happy thots..

I thought about it..
maybe i should start putting in happy thoughts here..
like finding something good out of every bad
or finding something to be happy even through unhappiness..
but recently it hasnt been looking too good..
everytime i see rainbows the stormy clouds appear..

k nvm e =( ness

in e last few days im glad dad has gotten more confident with the needles..
and in e last hour, mum's fever has just subsided..thats good.

certainty amidst uncertainty

Looking upset


Looking fine


Losing some appetite


then getting it back..


Readings rocket high


Then down a little low


Said its stroke ..


Then say e signs dont appear so


levels go up


And then it tapers low


Then new tests come up


And now they say its something new..


What in e world is wrong ...


need some certainty


In this uncertain road..


Need a little dose of faith


just that tiny bit of aid..

theres alot of pain..

Christmas Day

Mum has been a diabetic for the last 20 + years and she has been on oral
medication. However, early Dec, she has been walking unstably. With the
help of a friend, we managed to get a specialist consultation very quickly
on the 22nd of Dec.


The specialist told us that her glucose levels have reached alarming
levels n that she has to start being on the Insulin injections. (which I"m
quite sure made her somewhat depressed) He also persuaded to ward her but
she refused. (yep, who likes to be warded)
Dad and I had to be taught how to inject mum and it was also one of the
most painful times for me as well. We went back home and I realised dad is
getting old too, he cant quite remember the steps although i could tell he
was trying his best to. Eventually we ran through e steps together but dad
was afraid he"d make a mistake.


I had no choice but to take it from there and pretend to be confident....
Blamed myself for doing it wrong e 1st time and had to jab mum twice
instead of once, for taking out her blood to check against e glucometer
only to realise I did it wrongly as well.


Its just not easy starting a life w all these needles esp when i used to feel faint with e sight of them or a drip of blood.


These are teething problems. I have to get better as time goes by.
Also, the sight of needles and blood appear in my mind every night i close my eyes I
hope it will go away soon.


Its Christmas Day today, mum vommitted 3 times and felt numbness on the left of her face. Dad and I decided it was best to send her to a&e at SGH. Docs speculated stroke. Till now they have not concluded as she lies in the Neuro ward.


I"m partly glad I can take my mind off needles for a while but I hope they can conclude soon what the root of the problem is. They suspect its stroke and are trying to determine it with the help of almost 6 doctors who've seen her. They can't be very definite because hers isn't a classic stroke case.


I ask for you to say a prayer for my family and most of all recovery for mum and that she responds well to the insulin. It'd would be lovely if our dear God could create a miracle and just make everything ok, take away her diabetes and this stroke. She must be feeling very frustrated not being able to walk around and eat freely and yet have to get pricked more than 10 times a day and have blood drawn from her.


Pls also pray for strength and peace for my family as we go through this difficult time. My Faith is being tested again and again. I've also taken time off work and have absolutely no appetite every day.


Lastly, for all who"ve taken health and family for granted, do eat healthily even during this season of celebration and dont trade anything for precious family time.

gaining weight - good sign

the 1st sign of recovery - scolding and nagging

even though I once hated it
im starting to appreciate it now
coz it shows that some strength has been regained.
I pulled out the weighing scale.
+2 to 49kg now.

Good signs~

Still, Vic, Nic, Joel .. all Drs advised me to send her for a series of all the other tests. Will have to let her known soon ...

if i cld have one wish...

it isnt but sure feels like a bad breakup,
plays on my mind whenever im alone
n yet I rather not be with co all the time
tugs at the centre of my being too much...


feel like escaping,
burrying a hole so im plain oblivious
going back to being a kid by drinking some magic potion
or growing some wings to fly to a mountain top and scream it all out


but if i could have just one Christmas wish
I think I'd just ask for a swing on a magic wand and make her permanently ok.

its been a week....

its been a week since I saw the signs,
2 days since e lower dosage of medication
1 day since e 1st fall.
every new day gives me a leap or a dive in emotions
coz the ups and downs go in this cycle every new day.

Suspense is dreadful,
and I know I should be optimistic
but as much as words of encouragement come my way,
seeing is believing
and seeing tells me bad..

But I need to remember that there can be blind faith.

God give me strength,
give me wisdom,
give me patience
make me happy again..

type 2 diabetes

For a long while I thought of this condition as mild, afterall most cases I've heard of were mild. Then I only realised recently how complicated it could be..

Any of us, take hunger and food intake as its solution for granted.. the body's naturally able to break down sugars to be able to be absorbed in the body in a safe way. But imagine feeling weak, hungry and not being able to consume too much sugar or high energy food like rice, potatoes to keep your energy level up, it's tough..

With the recent events, I realised that I should have read up about it earlier. There's so much to know and it definitely benefits me even more when someone in the family has it.

So I decided to sum up my readings for today..

Diabetes is a set of diseases where the body cannot regulate the amount of sugar (glucose)  in the blood.
Those with diabetes type 2 has the pancreas  produce insulin ( a hormone that distributes glucose to the different cells in the body, eg liver, muscle, fat cells ) BUT the body is either only partially able to or totally unable to absorb the insulin.

Those diagnosed with this type of diabetes start taking medication which controls the blood sugar level and decreases the amount of sugar that the liver makes.
Still, diabetes medication should not be fully relied on, it should be paired together with regular healthy meals and exercise.

Hyperglycemia is a condition that comes up where sugar level is poorly managed and excess glucose circulates in the blood plasma. Hyperglycemia damages the retina of the eye, kidneys, nerves, blood vessels..

But the signs I see, weight loss, fatigue etc seem to be characterised with hypoglycemia instead..
Shitez.. will ask the doc tomorrow.. im tired and think im done with today's readings..

hoping for the best

We learn something new about ourselves every now and then..
I've always acknowledged that there were some VIPS that existed in my life..
But I only recently experienced an immense amount of a very new emotion..
knowing that the most important person in my life is down..

Everyday's a battle, seeing problems with mobility walking, getting out of the chair or out of the car, seeing her always tired, seeing her upset with herself for being this way.. A battle rages within coz I cannot bear to see it and wish I could run away from it.. and yet.. for obvious reasons I cannot.
Sometimes I wish I could disengage and busy myself with work and still, I have no mood for absolutely anything else. I want to be there all the time knowing that while my hand is there for her to hold,  she's safe from any fall or that I monitor everything she eats so that the sugar level doesn't escalate any further. I want to drive her everywhere because I don't want her to be cooped up at home and then I get all tired myself coz there's just so much to do and so much on my mind.

I know.. Im not dealing with this very well, I'm not doing this right.. I should hope for the best and wait for test results to be out soon.. Guess even for such things I need time to re-adjust and continue living life in the same way and getting back to work..

It's not easy at all.. I'm sick with fear, stressed with the unknown and fighting a battle of emotions every new day. she's afterall the most important person in my life. 

Hoping for the best...

being me

Why am i trying to be someone im not?
am i trying to be a better person or just making myself different.
Or making myself different n becoming a lousier person..
I really cant tell...

I really wanna be just me.. it seemed easier then, no cares, no fears....help... :(

Soulful Seoul

I'm back from yet another trip.
It was rejuvenating and I probably haven't felt like a child in a long time..
My greatest memory remains to be the moment snow fell from the dark skies..
A sense of child like excitement, happiness and literally, felt like I was dreaming..
and then the next thing was to rush back to tell my other playmate about it.
Standing outside novotel, I had no cares in the world,
it was afterall my very 1st experience in almost 30 years..
I remember smiling with joy, looking skyward, thanking God for everything I wished for.. =)
and im glad we experienced that moment together. =)

snowflakes on e Christmas tre

Being in a city like Seoul was unique, even through the hustle and bustle I felt no tinge of stress or hurried pace like how it was in other asian cities like HK, Tokyo or Shanghai. Perhaps we were in zzz land when people were rushing to work and in the happy shopping grounds of Myeong Dong while the workaholics were making their way home. Even as were tucked in the corner of Cafe Bene by the busy main road , I was filled with a calming peace, enjoying the 1-3 degrees temperature, listening to the jazzy chrismas carols sipping latte, munching on a cookie/cake,  releasing vapour and chatting with my sista.. what joy..

caffe bene

The S Koreans left a rather pleasant impression on me, friendly and always willing to help, an old man who was commuting on the train bothered explaining to us mutlitple times how to get to our destination. Many on the street had no clue how to speak much English apart from yes and no and directing with their fingers in korean but they were kind. ...

I remember asking "do u speak english?" to a couple of em at the ski resort to find out if e gondola tix would bring me on a return trip, the guy replied " a little bit"

next thing I knew I was putting my sign language at work - gestures like im lousy at skiing, can i sit down on the gondola down the slope etc.. coz apart from his "a little bit" , we were both speaking in 2 languages either of us cld ever understand. and of course I couldnt help but end with one my well practiced "kahmsa hamneeda"

Funny moments like that made the trip memorable, the coldness, the food, the coffee sessions and above all its always the company that enhances the joy factor in any trip.

Missing seoul already..

outgrowing comfort

some bask in natural simplicity, happiness
light heartedness and yet free spirited
yet some soak in too many thoughts,
on the future, with fear..

Fitting clothes feel comfortable,
yet when we outgrow them, we have little choice
either live in discomfort or move on to new ones...
and then sometimes irony strikes where
there are some clothes - fitting and comfortable that aren't ours to keep.

the world of ironies, complexities.. why wont people make it simpler..
is it really so difficult... ?

the iphone

an extremely convenient gadget
with apps that make life simpler than simple,
news that makes newspapers redundant
games or fbook time with friends that make waiting more tolerable


and I still haven't got myself one.


Why?


I think it's the coolest gadget around and isn't it cool just sliding the screen effortlessly BUT.. do I really need it? Perhaps not..


If almost every one I know who owns it almost instantly converted to an addict of games, facebook, news and the thousand apps -  I should rethink.


There's nothing wrong having a mobile entertainment gadget but users obviously abuse it.


Friends meet for a supposed catch up session only to whip out their phones and conpete in online scrabble,
when on holiday, they ask for the wifi password within 5 minutes of sitting down and check fbook updates,
stand in a que with a friend and instead of interacting with each other, they check fbook updates
ask for a ride home, start playing iphone games till they are brought to their doorstep..


Seriously, where has the idea of rude or impolite gone ? Straight out the window, lack of interaction seems perfectly fine and acceptable because the user has every reason to check his iphone.
Urgent or not, maybe the point is being busy? looking busy? or trying to be busy?


I can't understand.


The way I see it, entertainment on the iphone takes away "face to face interaction" which is key. How are the young gonna understand expresssions, body language in this mad computer age. Maybe we'll start moving to the abbreviation age. LOLS or BRB's or TTYL. and ppl will start going home to chat when they get stuck in a fight because they can't  figure out how to solve quarrels face to face and deal with each other's tones. They need to see words to interact, not eyes nor face nor hear voice.


A mobile  phone's purpose is for calls and smses - where ppl need to get answers or contact each other. Anything else should be done only when one is alone or if there's urgent work that needs to be sorted out. Which is why i dislike to and fro chatting over sms,  dislike calling people to have long catch up sessions over the phone,-( i"d rather meet in preson. )  dislike checking facebook when I'm out and turn off all email alerts when I'm out.


I may not have the best standard and definitely use my phone lots more than the average person and there's only 2 reasons for that- the nature of my job and the relatively large social circle I have. But of course ppl would say I'm the pot calling the Kettle black but I beg to differ. Without company I'd be checking my emails easily 10 times an hour but with company of those I enjoy, I'd be more than happy to put non urgent calls or smses aside.


I have concluded that I'm gonna stay on the ANTI iphone side till I see its benefits outweighing its increasing problems.


and if these fools dont get their bad habits sorted , they might as well stay home and do the virtual connection instead or if they need to be out perhaps they should attach a device to their head to feed them with constant updates without even being noticed.


the question is - have you become less interactive (excl virtual interaction) since you got the iphone?


and I applaud iphone users who value and respect the face to face time spent with their friends and family and know they don't fall in this fools category.

pillars

Pillars to lean on
and some for support
every structure depends on em...
and when one pillar is affected
with visible cracks ..
even if 2 or 3 of the other pillars are cracklessly in place
That 1 pillar"s cracks may cause e structure to tumble.

work"s tremors

not quite a complainer nor a pessimist in most situations
but the heart is small and is less tolerant to opinion which relate to feelings
possibly coz I bask with harmony
any signs of tremors aren't quite tolerable.

ppl should just be nice.

in short, im quite sick of this and I so feel like saying..

I quit.

Month 2

new beginnings... I like =)

satisfaction and hunger

U've got nothing and you crave for something
and then you've got something and you want something else
and then you have something else and another something else comes about..
the vicious cycle of greed?
and then you think that some things leave you satisfied and some leave you hungry
like porridge for dinner leaves you craving for supper
but nasi padang leaves you so full you dont want to eat anything more..

Sometimes we need some porridge and sometimes some nasi padang
and perhaps sometimes we have to stop being greedy and just be happy.
and happiness is about holding on and letting go.
Holding on to the good and letting go of the bad to make the perfect concoction.
Thats what makes the perfect boil.

no turning back...

whilst travlling on e 1500 baht taxi..they were ranting away abt e 1998 days n the J"s, K"s in everyone"s lives.. How that moulded us n made e greatest impact.. Even when everything"s changed.. Some prints would always leave impressions that no weathering would ever erase.



But its ok coz without e past there wld be no present. N without e lessons learnt, strong characters wld never have been found.

thats how we grow, take e best n worst of e past to create an even better future ahead.

thats if we start with e very first step.  

I would die for you

And I know that I can find You here
'Cause You promised me You'll always be there
Times like these, it's hard to see
But somehow I have a peace, You're near

And I pray that You will use my life
In whatever way Your name is glorified
Even if surrendering
Means leaving everything behind
My life has never been this clear
Now I know the reason why I'm here
You never know why You're alive
Until you know what you would die for
I would die for You


And I know I don't have much to give
But I promise You I will give You all there is
Can I possibly do less
When through Your own death I live?
No greater love is found
Than of those who lay their own lives down
As sure as I live and breathe
Now I know what it means to be free

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHkGqXHYfmo&feature=related

time.falls.sacrifice

days go by

watching night stars high...

ruffling waves

reflecting differing ways..

grains of sand

flowing from my hand..

while seconds tick..

future seeks.

perfect rainbows...

and then potholes...

afraid to face

then i want a taste..

expectations placed

without a haste.

yet don't know why

often its less for I

coz i live and die with me?

often I see

the difference between

what wld i miss abt me

n what i didnt do for he

perhaps less taking for granted

and that almost always mattered

and then new strength
to last an extra length

mini me~

gazes out of silver squares
leafy greens galore
clear blue brings a peace within
fluffy whites floating
waves rush up and glides away
all in auto mode
how minute I am in this big big place
so much i've to thank.. =)

mon's unexpected glimmers

most times its bright,
sometimes its grey
and when grey appears
bright is forgotten
it gets darker and darker
and sometimes darkness chokes..
but one of His blessings..
like a lifeline
unknowing that it could bring in glimmers
and then brightness appears again
some lifelines make alot of difference
and I'm glad they exist in my life.. =)
its nice.. yep.. its very nice..

e first meal

2509
was a pleasure..
e 1st cook.in
.. i like..

learn something new everyday...

gentleness towards weakness
repulsive feel against pride
attraction towards independance
repelling reactions towards over-reliance
tune well with self reflections
affected by noise
soothed with quietness
and the biggest pride"s knowing
there are lives I've made a difference to..

holding on too tight..

reality hit me harder in Malacca..
esp e walk up the S Cruz..
shift of dependance was apparant.
time flies since e last trip in 96.
no worries then..
14 years later, roles have reversed..
wish i was a child again..
dont wanna let go of my life jacket
but the more I cling, the less i'll learn..
thats life.. thats just life..

blessings~

Glanced at the pics for my bday and realised how some of my closest friends have stayed around this long..

For a long time it felt good being in big cliques.. like how it was in school .. hanging around the 20+ 'troublemaker' group felt cool.. watching movies with 3 rows of the cinema filled with us felt awesome!

even in college- being in the cool athletics or (not so cool)academically challenged class ..didnt leave me feeling inferior.. studies was never a priority to me, company w e classmates or the bf then was key..

but then we live , we learn and then we realise that some friends are good to keep and others.. even if they weren't that close didnt really matter.. so I allowed myself to drift from groups that weren't too edifying or reduced hangouts with those whom I used to hang out for the plain sake of it..

Perhaps treasuring life and the important people makes one more purposeful..
seeing lives come and go makes it more crucial to make the most and best of time spent
more quality focussed and large groupie hangouts was of less or no importance..

and when I look back special days.. they always seem more complete with certain people..
looking at some of these pics.. there was a sense of warmth seeing them around..
even tho it was a relatively big group,
within it lies some very very true friends..
some I would make huge sacrifices for.. =)

truly blessed.

Am I happy?

Happiness is usually a state of mind and as much as factors around contribute to the level of happiness, it is also important to be

-contented
-to provide joy/pleasure to another person
-to be positive

I do slip into a state of unhappiness easily

But

when I sniff signs of it, a look back at the 3 factors and a decision to focus on the better things in life..

Right now,

I find contentment in the little that I have or the excess.
I am continuing my journey of "pleasing people"
& I am still positive

So I think I've figured out my own answer..

I am happy..

as I journey and know all is well with you, you, and p+m

...

even today's fatigue is worth it.. =)

finally~

7am walk at botanical gardens
fellowship
scrpture reading
prayer

Morning feels fulfilled

So glad the sleep was 2nd place

cords of encouragement

This, I truly believe..

and thats why I am the way i am.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
> "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

speeding kills..

we want to get to the destination quickly
hence we approach the flight of steps hurriedly
sometimes we think its JUST a flight of steps
and later realise that it may be gazillion steps more only after exhaustion hits
struggles begin
and giving up seems like an option
and then appears an exit door
simple way out..
perhaps thats what I've grown accustomed to do in the last 5 years..

Hope things are different now,
no more rush
or huff and puff
no more exit doors,
no more falls
and even if the strain hits every now and then
a rest for a second
and the journey continues
no other avenues

a willing heart
n its done.

time for P+M.

dad jz came back home..
asked abt mum,
he does care alot more than I thought..
spoke abt her.
thankful he pointed out the purpose of e washing machine..
now im reminded tat age is catching up w em..
=....(
not a nice thought at all..
and then i instantly felt a sense of guilt
that I've been too swarmed with work n others lately
a reminder to re-balance again..
more time to spend with mum..
really dont know what i'll do without her..
im scared.. so scared..
yet i can do nothing but attempt to shirk off lousy thoughts
and put in more effort so that I'll never have to look back in regret.

best of vic & taz

as with all holidays,
the best of it lies not in the new material posessions,
nor the best hotels stayed
but the quaint unique ones,
the view from the window
the people who offered a smile to warm the day
or those who were genuinely interested in helping out.

the charm of victoria and taz was calming
and even as I look now at the trees swaying
teleported memories of the woods along those long drives up colac fill my mind
the warmth of that coldness still provides a calming peace and tranquility,
the hills and valleys my eyes awed about translated to an infinite sense of freedom and heart filled joy.
anticipation of whats new with every turn out of a winding road or every drive up a hill was child like,
and when the view of the great ocean revealed ....
"the moment" never failed to make me feel so small and yet so contented that I could live to experience the beauty of God's creation.

And of course, the company.. the last visit with 'aunties' and this with the warmth of a rather like minded friend made an ENTIRE WORLD of difference. It never fails to intrigue me that we can be so different and yet the similiarity sometimes spooks..

glad that when I thot i had all the best friends I cld ever have God decided to pop another one to give co that can bring new joys and closeness like real sisters..

glad to have experienced auz in a whole new dimension and when I look back, memories that replay would be all of beauty, good music, and of course great company.

time changes everything..

Browsed thru some pics to find out whats been going on in ppl's lives the last 5 years.
Many who fumbled through ups and downs found themselves in the last 3 years.
couples tie the knot.. babies form in short spans of time.
Looking at their pictures, I wonder if they see their lives as complete or still inadequate in many ways..
Pics always take the best moments .. no wonder we always think ppl are having a better life than ourselves..
But life is simple really..
How complicated can it be..
We just have to take it step by step and make each step the best it can ever be.
It can't be that tough..
I hope u'll help me see things from better perspectives..

rice & rooster..

rooster catches sign of some grains of rice,
knows that its tough to get to the other side
it will be a challenge..
hesitates..
thinks alot..
and braces up the chicken heart..
a few flaps .. some hurdle makes it almost impossible..
and then..
a thought..
better to think thoroughly and conquer for the good of a better tomorrow..
and conquer did the rooster..
without falling to any hole or ruffling too many feathers..
all"s good..
sometimes we need to face our fears ..
chuck out the old stuff and things become alot easier..

July

July's supposed to be a great month but strangely.. it hasn't been the worst but it hasnt been the best
I handled 2 changes in a way that wasn't quite me coz it meant alot to me
and after that I was given a new piece of news that wasnt too ideal as well..
if I had studied some astrology maybe i'd have been able to predict days like 10th, 12th, 13th, as black days of the month..
the new news on 14th .. i guess adds to all the negativity of the past days but .. i'm starting to get used to all of this..
..
dont rem getting such a chain of rejection in consecutive days before!
Hope it ends soon!! may yesterday be the last of all this ...
I've kinda given up planning around ppl, situations..
just do it !

nogo

today i learned that its a no go.
a bout of intense frustration followed by
immense disappointment..
had to step back to think thru things
realised that I had to be on my own again.
=(
life is SO NOT like a box of chocolates
coz almost every piece of choc wld be delightful..
life's like digging into soil
sometimes u get the good clean soil
and then sometimes u get the yucky wormies n insects..
and sometimes u dig and dig and u just keep seeing the worms..
either way,
i cant wish for anything else
and no point regretting on anything..
i cld have been really mad
but im glad it was kept in check.
siaaannnnnnn but i guess its
time to do it aloooonnnnne..

secularly religious

I read up some personal thoughts and did a little reflection once more. Feel torn between.
For a while I've been allowing emotions to control me.
I've been more discerning on the good and bad and yet torn between being the 2 sides.

have i been allowing myself to live too comfortably in the real world where it's cold, selfishly driven and sometimes 'thoughtless' or have i simply been ignoring the prompting to stop and think about my actions..

i face money issues and allow it to eat into me when perhaps to another person, what I have is an abundance of luxuries. Do i take pride that I've earned my right to enjoy or realise I'm over-indulging. Have I been a good stewart of God's blessings.

I am guilty.

There is too much to improve on.
I have been too proud.
The list may be long ..
but I've got to learn...
to start from number 1.

the cave

Introduced to a cave.
Yup a cave in a building with a lot of people
and lights and seats and in a place called an auditorium.
far from my idea of a cave.

a unique experience though,
being decieved to a library,
to catch a play..
simple as it was,
surprising as it was,
enjoyable as it had been.
the best part of it lies with the thought =)

haven't been this pleasantly surprised in a long while..
least not in the last 10 years.

(= thank you =)

Help is on the way

People say that time will heal
But you know they just don’t feel what you feel,
Times are hard but God is so good
He’s never failed you and He said He never would

He see’s your tears
He fights your fears
Yea, Hold on, Help is on the way, Help is on the way
He said he’d never leave you or forsake you
Stay strong
Help is on the way
He said he’d help you
Just reach out and take his hand

He knows your heart
He lifts your head
He’s always close enough to hear every word you said
When you’re weak, said He’s so much more
His arm is long enough to reach you where you are

He see’s your tears
He fights your fears
Hold on, Help is on the way
Help is on the way
Said He’d never leave you or forsake you
Stay Strong
Help is on the way
Just reach out and take His hand

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSZzzGyQHV4

e pillar learned to lean a lil..

pillars need to be strong..
but sometimes when inevitable cracks appear..
special engineers are called n some know how to place supporting planks...
pillars are supposed to be strong - foundations for big weights and structures..
pillar's been doing good on its own for a long time..
but when there's a plank to lean on..
somehow, e stress fractures within become more bearable..

pillar experienced cracks within but glad that planks can be really good supporters..

camp joys~

if I could turn back time, I'd never trade anything for the joy experienced during this yr's summer camp.

it's the priceless events that moved me, youth in service, making sure there was enough food for all b4 themselves. Cleaning up the rooms and asking if we needed help even without us asking..

Telling the Malaysians to eat first and they eat later..
Little gestures like that meant so much to me and there are so many lovely experiences to take back from this camp.
Strangely enough I experienced a new gift when ppl came to req for me to pray ,the gift of mercy with the gift of prayer ...felt their pain as they shared...

its amazing how God uses ppl to work together and indeed when you feel like you're down in the pits , there's only up hill from there.. and soaring up the hills was lovely.. it was complete..

even e exhaustion with 2 hours sleep was worth it and there was still a little more energy bringing them around the esplanade fullerton area and being a (1st time) mini bus driver!

God is good all the time. =)

young energy"s good

being w e old foggies at work makes me negative, quite a complainer....
Being w kids brings out e genuine animated side of me.. even making up a story that i"ve got a rainbow coloured car makes them laugh..
Being w teens makes me feel young again too..

Yest i was down n out..
Today is a new day, tiring but totally refreshing being w these youth....
thank God for them..

delayed reaction

I don't know how to...

deal with the inefficiencies at work
not think part of the inefficiencies could be my bad
juggle between the mountainous workload and ministry work *at this point*
pretend to be happy when im not
look forward to my long awaited holiday when I only find out some stuff later..
enjoy food when i'm stressed..
drink when im trying to sober up
be sober when i crave a satisfying merlot
pretend to be a grown up when i just want to sit on the floor and cry and...

and... wish the rainbow would appear, a lollipop swings my way, cotton candy clouds appear and mummy could come running to me and say .. its ok baby, everything's gonna be ok..

shux.. i wish i could be a baby again..
i hate the fact that im not just growing up..
im a freakin adult!

no.. im an adult freaking out!

aftermath

e aftermath
was anything but exciting..
it is a depressant in all sense..
exhausted e weekend away trying to recharge with lil result.
ole enuff not to be so brisk w whisk again..
Darn..
This week will be
proper meals
Exercise
Juice, h20, no caffeine
N i"d be back on track again..
N now im trying to conclude e weekend w a sleepless roll around e bed... :(

thot thru meself..
I really dun need many..
In fact i thot long and hard..
N i concluded w 3
Thats all i"d ever need
And ever want..
But if i cld add a male to e no.
It"d be perfect.
numbers aren"t my cuppa tea.
Quality is..

manic monday!

guilty that I had to be woken by 4 "alarms" consisting of beings and clocks..
snoozed my way till boss's face appeared in my imagination and the nightmare tossed me right outa my comfortable snoozy hour.
meeting with the bigger boss crapping over some crappy values got me restless .. cldn't believe i sat thru that..
"money buys power, avoid unhappy people, always dress to impress .. yada yada yada.. " I looked around and cldnt believe ppl were taking down NOTES!!! I really hope they were just doodling drawings on their notepad....

bfast with the bro@ work - D was cool coz we were on the same page .. strong opposition over what boss was crappin about..

fast fwded events - green tea for lunch, 3 hours of documentation, 3 hours of meeting ppl, 20 min lor mai kai tea break and a sudden call to listen to a church mate who was down.. and 2 more hours of documentation..

time's always not enough on Mondays..

Day started with a fiery stomach from weekend's chili rampage,
Multiple calls from the meanie who calls me a cleaner, security guard and all the mean things in the world,
n 1st hr of Tues's arrived with me exhausted but crazily awake!

art of decision making

the art of good decision making usually lies in
1. a few strong principles,
2. a good heart
3. Godly counsel.

There's been many situations in life that have left me clueless but rushing's always the last thing to do and that's what I've been learning.. patience.

Along the way - as Ant says - I'm so methodist.
yes the Methodist pastor's msg is usu made up of a 3 pointer sermon and so have most of my lessons been presented.

The 3 questions have saved me from bad decision making in the last few years. Allowing me to look at macro perspectives and looking out of myself - even to the people around me. No matter what they say - knowing that the people we care about support us in our decision still contributes to that peace in my heart with respect to the decisions I have made.

Often we allow ourselves to be affected by the nitty gritty problems that are minute to the long term goals we'd rather seek. Emotions come into play and it messes things up. In work life, relationships. Emotions are a result of feelings of which we sometimes carelessly handle. With markers of sensitivity and objectivity - it all becomes easier to handle our emotions or another person's.

I hope these 3 qns work for the decisions I have to make this 2010.

gripes about work

i've never done this,
never complained about work
nor co..
but this time - frustration's got the better of me...
operation's efficiency sucks and facing the whole lot of ** is eating me up!
this needs to end soon..
I am so MAD!

tired

dont like using this word..
but i have to now..
tired so tired of all this..
patience .. patience..
need to be uplifted...

thots..

who'd know
what twirled within
the tough fight to stand up
after crumbling in defeat
far from a walk in the park
perhaps a living nightmare on some days
and on other days a torn up wound after it's been stitched up..
Lasted for a long time
caused a wreck within
and visibly clear on e exteriors.
Then time went by a little faster and
the path got a little smoother
the whole thing engineered
the character of a much harder being
sometimes heartless..

but more time has passed
a better being was sculptured
and then there were new revelations
after a softer being was moulded..

and though there'd still be issues within
that sometimes remain locked and kept from the world.
there's the better being,
more equipped for the challenges that'd appear in time
and acknowledging that we are all journeying
with the freedom of choice on the road we want to travel on..

if it is to be,it's all up to me...

Mother's day message @church

Bessie Lee shared with us a message that felt real, brought out lotsa emotions within me and made me rethink about e way I usually do things..

As christians, we are called to walk in a way that reflects Godliness and often that seems like the hardest thing to do.

Someone was noticed as polite, being responsible at work, knowing how to honour her parents and how to enjoy life..she was thought of as a Christian because of e factors she beamed out to the people who interact with her.. *subjective*

Are christians being judged a lot more than any other person in the office or on the street..it isnt always easy walking in a way that’s worthy for people to view as an "example" to follow...and more frequently they'd have this "perfect" model of how a christian should or should not be..

She continued sharing that some of us who may have seen loved ones die would clearly remember that these people don't ask for bank statements or a list of assets they'd collected in their lives.. they ask to see people, loved ones who mean a lot to them and sometimes they'd even wait for the family members to arrive before making their departure... and then I thought about granny and how it felt seeing her in that state, wishin I had known her a little better, put in a little more effort to hang out... always thinkin I "could have done a little more"..

so yeah.. how we spend our time's very impt, material pleasures just don’t last and are magnified when we are living life BUT clearly meaningless when we are leaving life..

she also shared that many of us have grievances against our parents for not being fair to us or not providing enough for us and sometimes hold on to these for years ...
but when these loved ones are leaving us, it doesn’t matter anymore.. and all we know is that we want them back..
I may not have experienced many lives passing but just one was enough for me to look at life in a different way.

Bessie shared about letting go and letting God work within us esp as children of God, to be good examples that shine out as salt and light of the world and even when it can be so difficult forgetting hurts engraved by the closest people we just have to do it. Speaking from experience , I think it's always easier to love than hate.. there's too much burden in this hate thing...

It's definitely not easy doing all that but it is so important..

Life's short...

~believe in me

this slow soothing tune came on the radio, i pursued the lyrics and ha... indeed we've all gone thru that road before..

http://lyrics.filestube.com/song/43ac371c200025dc03e9,Believe-in-Me.html

too many hearts have been broken
failing to trust what they feel
But trust isn't something that's spoken
And Love's never wrong when it's real...

home ownsership in singapore..

Met with a client who asked me to purchase a piece of property in the east.
$650k doesnt sound like a big amount in Singapore but then who has it??!

Disected it and came up with the sums
5% cash = $32.5k
15% cash or cpf = $97.5k
3% stamp duty ~ $20k

A whopping $150k!! of which i only have a fraction of..

He said only 5% cash needed.. that's not much..
I replied, pick 5 ppl my age. How many even have 5 - 10 k of savings.. u may only find 1 or 2.

being in a line where I know how much everyone earns, how much they save monthly and how much savings they are sitting on..

When will my generation who are nearing their "mid-life" age ever get to own a property.. no wonder they term it "mid-life crisis" CRISIS INDEED!

as it is many are pushing off marriage plans or living with parents in their tiny hdb unit coz they dont have enough for the downpayment...(except of course those who've got money plants in their back yard)

its quite a frustrating thought..
as for me.. if i remain single (which i say CHOY! to ) i'd prob only be able to afford a mini studio..

there are places i remember

There are places I remember all my life,
Though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain.
All these places have their moments
Of lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I loved them all.

And with all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these mem'ries lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
And I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them.
In my life I loved you more.

And I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them.
In my life I loved you more
In my life I loved you more


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6TvegK-IUE

y i, y?

Leo appearance
built by conditions over years
hardened by inevitables
hidden with facades
conditioned with unchangeable factors
within the strengths
lies the meekest being
fearing change
n peering beyond..too far..
constantly searching 4 e steadfast pillar
or temporal security blanket
setting out to sea
yet desiring the other horizon
comforts and warmth of familiarity
on firm solid ground


the world cares for self
n the too's in I
almost always
desires more..quality, appreciation
strays from simple
and attracts complex.
factors that fuel up the meekest of the lot.
y I, y?

perception perhaps.
complexities usu disqualified
simplicity's naturally the victor.

the too"s to kick..

too sensitive, take things too seriously, too absolute, think too much, heart"s toooo soft, impatient, too personal, care too much....


But.. What if i was made this way?
If i was created as an angel it"d be sooo much easier...

*knock knock* dreaming or what..
.. im still human ....

today

today i learnt sme new stuff..
N one of them"s that..
** cares alot abt me...
I"ve always known that but
Today i realised it on a whole new level..

for-N-ever

No one is indispensable,
No plan cannot be changed
No promise can b fully sealed
No forever can defintely be..

effort n commitment- components behind the
Great Big Decision.

the 5 languages of love

completed half of this book i recently purchased..
the five love languages..
learned some stuff and its true, we all have this language that speaks to us whether its with parents, friends or the other half..
Chapman the writer listed em as follows
- Quality Time
- Words of Affirmation
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of service
- Physical Touch

I glanced thru at first pondering what mine was.. kinda knew it definitely wasn't recieving gifts..not because i didnt like em but coz it's just not one of the top things that wld make me feel impt..
and then after doing that questionaire.. Voila.. i realised what it was..
and then i got some insights into why my folks were in conflict all the time - they were always using their own likes to handle each others dislikes.. DUH..
no wonder..
i can be the LUURRVE Doctor now!
yea... but oops.. speak too soon..
think i need to experience the *L* all over again FIRST!

I f s

If I hadn't needed $$ I wouldn’t have worked at Citibk,
wouldn’t have known Ed,
if Ed & I couldn't connect we wld not have been in continuos contact
we we werent in contact he wldnt have known I attended Wesley's svc.
If I didn't attend Wesley's svc, he wldnt have introduced us.
and the rest is up to u and me..

And if I didn't have to work to pay off my uni fees
I wldnt have been in this co.
if Est had not left I wldnt have had to take over ur case.
if we cldn't connect we wld not have been friends.
if we hadn't been friends I wld have never been the one to help in this scenario.
God wld have sent another angel.
but then ...
I think its me..

If I didn't go to Wesley I wouldn't have been baptised,
If I wasn’t baptized,
I wouldn't have been so keen in searching for a ministry to serve in,
If I had been called by Skiiers after leaving my name with them 3 times
I would have been in a different ministry..
If I had been in a different ministry,
I may not have looked out for the tutor position.
and I wld not have been ur tutor
and we may have never met
and if we couldn't connect I would not have been able to share with u the greatness of His kingdom.

Everything happens for a reason and with a reason.

and if God did not make magic in mum and dad, I wldnt even be here..
argghh.. no matter how mad they make me guess I still have to thank God for my parents.

Consuming Fire

Just worshipped with this song..

Consuming Fire
Fan into flame
a passion for your name
Spirit of God
fall in this place
Lord have ur way
Lord have ur way
with us

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Congrats my dear!

the quality of my little cross

past few days was filled with disrupted sleep.
worry seeped thru the doors and found its way to me.
and then i stopped to understnd why..
i was looking at the worst.
200 yrs ago the eruption lasted a year.
I took a step back to cast those thots aside and filled that with hope.
and what He's always empowered me with - FAITH
its easy not feeling a tinge when no one u know is stranded
but when there's someone close stranded n panicking,
it breaks me too..
all this
when im not even family...

Still in Clark,
after reading the news from the net
I had to take a step out of the house for a breather
to pray.
didnt realise I was so focussed in it that i vocalised e prayer
and someone walked past me wondering if I was a looney..
talking to myself..

past few days I found myself praying harder
having greater faith
and of course realising how I wld do all I cld ..
and the best I cld.

these are perhaps once in a lifetime experiences of
-visiting 'mummy'and that complete empowering prayer
-wishing mum cld be this close
-being on hold till home phone batt died and then i dozed off with beep in my ears
-clicking purchase ticket prob 15 times on SQ site
-visiting LH & SQ office in that 2 hours and wondering if a miracle just happened


the Love of Christ
the Spirit's prompting
the ever faithful God..

the Power of the Trinity

the little cross I carry because of the big One He first carried for me.

Pastor's house

Touched by e Pastor's hospitality, sincerity and generosity..
He got all 3 kids to bunk together. rooming all 5 in one compact room so that us visitors wld be able to sleep comfortably in the kids rooms.

I observed how the 2 deaf parents could bring up their children so well, respectable, closely knit, they would make jokes, sit with us to have casual conversation, call each other names and yet laugh it away.. and they said conflicts dont last longer more than an hour.

Was envious the word? I was touched by the closeness of the 3 siblings, wondering why the brother I have wld never care for me the same way or talk to me with that brotherly affection, offer me advise or have friendly conversation with me.. all i got was bumps and bruises and a scarred impression of brothers.

and then I asked them - your parents must have little conflicts too.. they replied that there were conflicts that usu dont last longer than a day and everyone's rather light hearted about these things.
I obsrved how dad was the disciplinarian who only had to give a look to get things done and mum was the doting one who made sure food was served, supper delights were prepared, all 3 children recieved equal attention and her husband was tended to as well with gentleness and love.

How complete... Guess it's not too late to decide that there was much to learn about parenting from Csar n Aleen.. It all starts from the model that parents display to their children.

I could either mop around sulking on the conflicts with mum, dad and bro every day or every other day or open my eyes to see what should or shldnt be done.

My idea of the almost perfect family.
Cesar.Aileen.Sar.Mar.Pao pao.

Days 2-4

with the humbled perspectives of things, it all became easier..
I discovered the art of some things I never knew..

- stoning with absolutely no worries of bills, if my car had nuff fuel, when's the next client meeting, when am i gonna drive thru the next ERP etc

- engaging in what i dislike -> a 2 hour afternoon nap just after lunch .. coz I dont like napping away my afternoons and i think its the most pig-like thing to sleep after a full meal..

- I could actually zz soundly with ppl walking in and out of the room when I usu value privacy during sleep - locked door and all..

- I checked no emails, no facebook , touched no internet and only sent out 5 smses in 3 days!

- the only material thing I missed was my bed.. my back was aching mad!

- I realised that perfection wasn't important sometimes, it's whats in the heart that is key..

and the list continues..

** God touches the deaf in amazing ways, I was reminded not to give up even if there were difficulties in ministry because it's the Kingdom of God we seek after

Foreign-er

A person not naturalized in the country.
Proved true.
Days were spent lazing in the country.

was looking forward to the camp venue - "floral farm resort" perhaps the word resort was a tad decieving as we discovered only upon entering the gates.
Nonetheless it felt very much like a good ulu place to retreat to and emotions almost naturally blended well with the chirping birds, squeeky swings, rustling leaves of fruit trees, gravelled paths.

Being the foreigners of prideful Sin-ka-por "anti socialness" was the next thing to be. While the deaf mingled we sat at e swing to 'stone' the journey's fatigue away.

And of course conscience pricked too soon, realising that it was silly travelling all the way to this place to continue being aloof. Plucked ourselves outta the comfort zone and headed to introduce ourselves to the deaf. We were pleasantly welcomed and I felt instantly comforted with the smiles and gestures asking for an introduction.

Felt rather inferior knowing that I was of the lowest standard amongst the 3 of us in sign language but.. ultimately I did travel all the way for a DEAF camp and so I pushed myself to focus on the colourful filipino style of signing..

And then we were introduced to our room which seemed rather luxurious for the exterior look of the "resort".. pleasantly surprised.. and TADA~~ came the toilet - I'd rather have the rio toilet anytime.. as I lowered my head to rinse my mouth I realised I couldn't keep my eyes open - the stained patches of dirt and that smell!! putting this stuff into my mouth.. cldnt quite deal with it ..but choice wasn't with me and so I hurriedly rinsed my mouth with eyes shut tight to reduce the impact while one of the senses was absent..

That night I was rostered to lead devotion.. In coming to the Lord, I humbled myself knowing I had to take away that pride and refuel with humility. Accepting all that I had.. I was reminded of the verse in

Philippians 4:12
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

giving happy a chance..

that piece of news..
cldnt quite understand y i felt that way
but "mr know it all" gave me some insights that it was natural..
and yes i guess it was..
we did share a huge part of our lives together in the growing up years..
some memories seem fresher than they actually are..
the long train rides home from college
the walks..
the talks..
the parting during that april..
the most memorable part of our teenage years spending bdays together..
the peaks of laughter and the most painful tears..
yes it was e biggest part of my teenage years ..
but truth remains that..
they've all passed.

Paths have divided..
Other kinds of happiness and tears have come and gone
Letters still lie in that box i dont even look at anymore..
pictures put away in that thumbdrive in some box..

History is important but whatever's passed shld be appreciated and allowed to pass..
Equipping ourselves with wisdom & discernment to carry on with life, doing away with matters that drain us or ppl who only know how to hurt us and treasuring those God has gifted us with.

we all deserve a chance for happiness.. he did..
and i do too..

all is well..

enriched!

A third of the year has almost passed and there has been some improvement although resolutions have not been very well met. I’ve got to press on to get that accomplished.

The weekend was hectic – it started out with Fri’s treat for my office secretaries who were complaining about life in the office and how they’ve been somewhat “abused” by the messed up operational structure in the co. Couldn’t quite believe they’d dare tell me negative stuff about my own boss but guess they trusted me to some extend.. being the faithful one, I couldn’t quite bring myself to join em in the bitching but shared with em my philosophy - that work’s just a means of living to enjoy what we have in life.. and when we get too personal .. that’s when we lose the differentiation between work and life in general..
deafeats the entire purpose..

e day ended w me tired but fulfilled.

Sat morning ,woke up b4 sunrise to church’s captain’s ball tournamentw the kiddos -finally won the championship medal after 3 long years woohooo~

Headed up to Mt Emily and it was refreshing being amidst close friends – those I could be whoever I wanted to be and I know l wouldn’t be looked at any differently. Had a good chat with amee & emme and I realized much time had passed since our last drinks session .. amy had been flying for some time now, xd’s a proud pilot, emme is e next preggie mum, ming quit his job to be the “chef” .. so much has changed but it was still the same ole frens I could have a good quality heart to heart conversation with..
I like!!
Sun morn interpreting , meetings to discuss about the small group, conference and ministry concerns…
I’ve spent more than 10 hours speaking, listening, advising ppl troubled or with concerns.. it’s a darn tiring weekend but I’ve been enriched!
Still have to say,
I LIKE!!

ingredients for a good "-ship"

sincere effort.attention to details.chemistry.flexibility for change.accomodating to misfits/differences.faithful supporter thru stormy days.observation.understanding.interest at heart.patience.perseverance.
And the greatest of these is LOVE.

I got a feelin...

that tonight"s gonna be a good nite...
E music keeps playing on my mind ..ironically it was a very eventful not so good nite..
the sub-conscious state mirrored my past incidences and that does create a lot of discomfort after the "happy" moment..
I think a book can be written abt the entire day with just 1 Day"s events..
Anyhow, Glad the right decisions were made to ES and today"s a fine new day...
I woke up exhausted and Thot about friends who"d stick by me if I were in sucha state.. n frens who may not... As well as those i"d be there for n those I wldnt..its quite clear..
Anyhow.. I'm just glad all has ended well..
What a night.....

FOR-giving

read thru the last part of Matthew.. and it triggered the memory of e young begging boy by the streets af siem reap..
Walking past him, listening to his quivering voice was painful enough and yet it had always been a habit not to give into beggars in Singapore that it simply wasn't natural to give..

what was I thinking.. even if it had been a dollar, it'd have probably made a big difference to the poverty stricken life. who's to know really and here I was being all Singaporean with the "no no" to begging..

Guess I've learned my lesson to be more discerning and flexible... why pretend to be all unfeeling and come back wishing I could go back there to make ammends for that selfishness then..

Friends comment that I got cheated with the us$5 book purchased but the truth is I feel really good the kid got a sale.. I prob would have felt like I was cheating him by payng US$1...
least he made a day's takings with that book sale..

I asked our guide pidiere on the average monthly income - US50-80 !
and here we are splurging S$200 in a night out of drinks..

5 bucks means almost nothing to me, but a smirk or smile on his face.. thats good enough.. the gap's too big.. the world should be more forgiving..

Matt 26:42..45
For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prisonand you did not look after me. ...
He will tell you the truth, what ever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me"

blind spot

lurkin memories
appearing in flashes,
dwell for moments
and leave for another day..
livin by the moment's great
yet it doesn't motivate..
planned calenders dependant on factors
that cannot be revealed..
optimism tides come and go
yet the mind remains strong
disallowing pessimism's proximity...
in due time..

mars & venus

peered over to the left,2 oldies attempting to make their way toward the flat cemented ground..
Lacking confidence she took mini steps toward the edge
confidently stretched out for the wrinkled hand beside hers.
he took hold of hers tightly without a second of a thought.
two unstable ones found greater stability in that assurance...
absolutely no better balance could be seen.. perhaps it must have been felt within.
The hold was firm as their fingers wrapped around each others,
many more tiny steps and they finally made it to flat ground.
just a split second later, she quickly forgot about the help, confidence and assurance rendered by the one who's probably loved her his whole life.
In a wrinkled expression, she nagged him for not shading her with the brolly in his hand and continued nagging and nagging and nagging...

oh what a sight.. why cant we just shuddup and let our men make mistakes every now and then.. hahahahaha

Natural, cute, unforgettably a classic scene to capture in my mind for a long time..

what tomorrow brings..

days went by so slowly
and then too quickly
orchard & suntec repeats
days of beverage & lyrics
somerset,dempsey & simpang trips
gone so fast..
looking forward to the great big plan
what would it be,
when can the horizon be seen..

patience...

Matthew 6:33
33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I’ll Take Care Of You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4rxUnahSnc

Times Are Hard And Rents Are High
What Can A Working Girl Do
But Struggle Through Another Day
Then I'll Take Care Of You

Nights Are Long And Dreams Are Cold
If They're All You Wake Up To
But Should You Rise With Crying Eyes
I'll Take Care Of You

[Chorus:]
So Let Them Talk About Us
Let Them Call Us Funny Things
People Sometimes Do
I Don't Care As Long
As You Know I Love You
Oh, And You Know I Do

I'll Be There, But You Might Not See Me
It's Never Easy To Get Through
But When The Laughter Dies Away
I'll Take Care Of You

[Repeat Chorus]

I'll Be There, But You Might Not See Me
It's Never Easy To Get Through
But When The Laughter Dies Away
Then I'll Take Care Of You

Darling, I'll Take Care Of You

alone

running alone,
starbucking alone,
workin alone,
drivin alone...

Where has my world of company gone..

Till there was you~

There were bells on a hill
But I never heard them ringing
No I never heard them at all
Till there was you

There were birds in the sky
But I never saw them winging
No I never saw them at all
Till there was you

Then there was music and wonderful roses
They tell me in sweet fragrant meadows of dawn and dew

There was love all around
But I never heard it singing
No I never heard it at all
Till there was you

Then there was music and wonderful roses
They tell me in sweet fragrant meadows of dawn and dew

There was love all around
But I never heard it singing
No I never heard it at all
Till there was you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeYSUPQVoRI

if i could - 1927

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iJORI55kPEIf I could paint

Ancient, cheesy, but I so love it..

I`d paint a portrait of you
The sunlight in your eyes a masterpiece of truth
And a single tear like a silent prayer
That`s shining so much brighter than a diamond ever dared
If I could do anything at all, I`d do it for you

If I could write
I`d write a book for you
A tale of hidden treasures with an I.O.U
And a million words couldn`t say a thing
That won`t be said in three words
Where love`s the central theme
If I could do anything at all, I`d do it for you

Chorus
Darling can`t you see
What you mean to me
Anything that I can do I`ll do it for you
And darling don`t you know
Just how far I`d go
Anything that I can do, I`d do it for you

Sometimes I feel so second-rate
Seems loving you was my greatest mistake
I know I`m insecure
And love don`t keep score
But I wish I could give you more

If I could play
I`d play up a storm for you
A raging sea of passion that you never knew
Every whispered sound would touch your heart
And maybe for a moment I could be your favourite star
If I could do anything at all
If I could, I`d give you more
If I could do anything at all…..I`d do it for you

Chorus

And darling can`t you see
You mean the world to me
Anything that I can do I`ll do it for you
And darling don`t you know
Just how far I`d go
Anything that I can do I`ll do it, I`ll do it for you
I`ll do it, do it for you

one strong pillar's enough

four pillars
flying to the bride in the court
comforted with presence of bond
a new J to couple up with the best
and a close one pleased with a make believe him
knowing that its roundz n me to rule the world..
change is great and yet it replaces comfort with pricks at times.
pricks bring numbness
and numbness brought a new beginning..
for some the cycle continues ..
hills and valleys
flights and dives..
cannot be sustained in solidarity
glad that oceans n seas apart,
comfort can be found
with simple words
a simple vision.
the rest is up to me
yet it gave me rest
was given the best of any worst
I should be satisfied.
I am.

To make u feel my love

sweet~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9O5amqo2OI&feature=related

When the rain's blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
So no doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on a rolling sea
And down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
But you ain't seen nothin' like me yet

There ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

for 2010

New found neatness
docs away from home
Being early
Discipline
More reading
Higher Level of Respect for M&D
Skiing in 2010
s0k

The way you handle one thing is the way you handle everything.

journey o journey

The road ahead is long
I've allowed little matters create obstacles in my path
and then the barriers clear and Im captive no more.
its silly how it started
yet while it was at work it was too real
Only I felt the pierce
The claustrophobia eased
and while I'm out there now
I've gotta stand on my own 2 feet
coz stone's will be thrown
and bridges may collapse
but if my legs have been trained to stay rooted
it'd withstand the winds
and survive against all odds.
of course my eyes constantly fixated on the Exalted hope promised.

the counsellor

and then bro @ work reminded me

let us not forget that we have tasted the goodness and not be filled with pride but understand that not everyone is able to forgive the way u have learned to exercise this act that appears difficult to everyone else.


and don't allow urself to fall into a state of disappointment just because thats what the world is.. but continue to set urself apart and contribute to the lives around in a way that is pleasing to Him.

a new decade ahead

I started the year hearing of 1 marriage that was taking place because money was already spent and there's no turning back..

and another who wants to marry someone who doesn't want to settle down because he's numb to all the past hurts and decided to be indifferent.

and to top it all up, I rec'd an indifferent attitude from someone I had close ties with just before the clock striked 2010.

how difficult is it to depend on these earthly beings we call our friends, spouse, family. No wonder the Bible equips us with knowledge not to depend on things of this world but on the word of God.

MOnday started out exremely blue, I slept little ,ate all of a slice of bread today and felt no hunger.
It was good to be distracted with the co of great friends after a long day's work but it doesn't take away the fact that the start of 2010 was filled with such..