collections from the land of buzz~

It's been a while since the advocate of breaks breathed a proper one.

Found some bits of courage and went ahead to book e air tix n hotel just 2 weeks ago.

There were a few objectives set out:
-daily quiet time
-sort out ministry tasks
-tailors
-and of course.. To pray, reflect n breathe.

Day 1

Touched down. I made my way up instead of down to w taxi stand. While figuring my way around I found a fellow stranger. I offered to accompany stranger to the taxi stand n by a stroke of coincidence I was provided with a bodyguard- stranger was heading e same way, I offered n we were on our way to sukhomvit in a shared cab.

In the short 30 min journey, we had good conversation and stranger suggested drinks since he had hours to kill before the midnight flight. I was going to have my alone time the rest of e days so this was fine with me.

I brought stranger for a mini tour of This land. The randomness of events intrigued me. Chemistry between complete strangers can exist. I realized then that at one point in my life, I was forcing chemistry out of history. Those 2 equations can never co- exist. Even if it did, there would be no resulting explosion nor reaction. Simply 2 independent entities in 2 different islands.

The day ended at Khao San w dinner and Chang over good humor. Bodyguard stranger was to board the next flight but it was fine.. We need to allow people to come and go without holding on too much or life would probably be less colorful.

That usually happens when we disallow spontaneous randomness to find any space.

Live n let live. :)



Day 2

I've been conditioned to a 6 hour sleep cycle. Not wanting to waste precious day 2 away quiet time began. I thanked God for my recent blessings too.. A gift that has been extraordinary.

Work wrapped up at Au Bon Pain below. Exactly the way I planned- with choco raisin melting in my palette.

The afternoon was filled with a walk to Ravi sehgal. It was long but purposeful. People watching and pics from the streets.

I got to the square n told myself to shop for shoes. I've been conditioned to the habits of a bad shopper. When ur eyes don't send signals to ur brains to make a purchase it just won't. So I found little to put in my shopping bag.

The bad shopper also suffers from claustrophobia with the lack of practice. Amidst the buzz of town I had a craving to have a conversation with someone- my usual Hollie buddy. But.. Wake up! Did u forget your alone?!

I wandered away from the buzz or noise would have killed me. Voila, lonely has now gone and happy has revisited. I escaped noise and found Paris. Chezcharlie@sukhomvit. What joy it is when u know how to be in a make believe world. :)

Day 3 - cycle day out!

I'm looking forward to e countryside. The kind of charger for the old soul me :)

I asked for directions and found soi 26 rather easily. I realised how those few lanes of sukhumvit were indeed filled with many Japanese eateries and people. When I arrived at ABC there were 2 shops and I originally thought the shop was closed, as i walked further, i saw the shutters next door were half open and so I made my way in. 

Walked up the stairs and despite the quietness from ground floor I realised that there was an entire group of 12 waiting up there, Germans, French, Dutch, Americans.. As I sat down I also realised that everyone came with a partner. I was the lone ranger. Better still, I was ready to get to know half the world or not be stuck with anyone at all. 

Soon enough we got onto our bikes and took the first pedal of the journey. It was cool just knowing I made it here alone, signed up for a tour alone and that I was finally on the streets peddling on a foreign land doing something totally out of the ordinary.. Talk about stepping out of our comfort zones!

Pavements, bustling main roads, turned in and out of small streets and ended up at a back alley of local homes with a small shoe factory, provision shop.. Explanations from A - our tour guide ( who amazed me with the amount of English she could speak for a Thai) and then to Talad(market)  Klong Toay .. The colours and life in the market was an eye opening experience compared to the kind of markets I've been accustomed to my entire life. There were buyers from restaurants and hotels too and they were accompanied with 'porters' who carried the basket of goods on their backs and were identified with numbered uniforms. Interesting.. 

Then we got out onto the midday blaze, wound behind some back alley of homes, stopped at Wat Klong Toay for a toilet break and A introduced some tropical fruits to the farangs. It was amusing coz they were intrigued by fruits like the mangosteen and longan.. But of course I was outnumbered and had no one to share my amusement with, I just kept silent. :) 

Out of the temple and on the pathway to the pier a very nice dog decided to intercept my path, did the pre- poop turn and started on his constipated poop time. I decided to wait, who likes to be interrupted at precious times like that.. While waiting, a local shouted out and attempted to chase the poor dog away with a broom. Thanks but really.. No thanks.. I didn't mind waiting at all, I hope someday, you'll realise the agony of being disturbed in moments like these. 

And so my path cleared up as I manoeuvred around half poop. Onto the pier and our sampan arrived shortly. As if I didn't enjoy my journey enough, this was a bonus, being able to cross to another island just got me excited. Bikes were loaded onto the boat and off we sailed to a nearby shore that had my kind of peace and quiet.. 

I don't know the names of places we visited- a temple, behind homes, rodeos narrow paths and stopped at a hut for lunch. Conversation was interesting, the Europeans advised me on places to travel for my next eu expedition and taught me some German too. I also spoke to Aon and offered a place to stay too if she was keen since I was travelling alone and there was space.. And then I decided that I'd speak to my Asian partners instead. Spoke to the old granny and the other tour guide helped me to interpret, they laughed at my broken Thai or gesturing and I sent her well wishes as we parted. That was a memorable experience. 

Back on the journey back to ABC and as we were about to go on our own ways, I gave the Girl from Amsterdam my contact if and when she decided to pop over Singapore again. I also asked for Aon's contact in case she wanted to hang out :) no regrets (:

I look back and am reminded that everything only happens once when you travel. The point though is to always treasure the good times and never hesitate coz once you allow fear to hold you back on speaking to anyone or doing something good, you miss out on an opportunity forever. (of course with caution at all times)

And so this trip, I was glad, to have made at least 1 new friend whom I've blessed with my warmth and fellowship. Little did I know that a few months down, I would have been blessed too, with a unique invitation to her hometown. ...There in the rural town, I felt so much warmth and and hospitality from people who I can't even speak to in the same language.

And then I'm reminded of the song.. Love in any language, straight from the heart. Love isn't spoken in words, its spoken in actions from the heart. Amidst this time of blessing and rest I was also able to soak into the beauty of my Lord's creation within the natural setting of waterfalls, hills, valleys and clear blue skies.. 

season for change

Everytime it feels like there's a season for change, things take a turn and it doesn't look as good as I thought it would be. I'm glad though that I've been blessed with a faithful spirit to believe that all things work for the good of those who love Him.

The change in this season looks like it could possibly unfold but amidst that growing little seed of happiness, there's still a whole lot of caution on what could happen and how things might not look so optimistic afterall. Pessimist Optimist.

I wondered about the road ahead, the expectations, limitations, difference in factors that may not be so real now and then a whole load of worry came piling up on my shoulders, even stripping the heart of that little joy that exists. The thoughts that build up can get intense and the heaviness from my shoulders seem to be able to spillover and creep into my heart. Argh, tiresome. To think or not to think.

Above all this, I wish I could speak it out and release the tension but alas.. that's not to be again. not M nor .. nor certain groups of people who only wish to be entertained.

I should at the end of the day, simply grow that faith, and commit the entirety to trust God that all things will fall into place and he will always be able to steady my heart. To do that, I need to stay focussed on Him.

wishing n hoping n dreaming..

the need to travel,
not to spend nor to splurge
but to see the world differently with the same pair of eyes
and to see the meaning of life from different lives
often it refreshes, it gives clarity.
Clarity to treasure what I have,
To freshen up with a break from different sights and people.
A whole new world in the same ole world..
When shall my next flight be =)

thoughts that stroll

Attempting to take a stroll from orchard to my home at the 11th hour of a monday evening. The thought was therapeutic and I needed to space out after a tiring day. The weather was fitting for a stroll even if I had to do it alone..
Thoughts filled my mind.. of my family and those i included in this circle. Warm and then painful and this song I replayed in my ears.. Lord I am yearning for thee..
In our weakest state, who really can we turn to? We live and die alone dont we? Better to depend on oneself than the world who may or may not be there.
I thought about m and the future and in seconds I knew I couldn't handle those thoughts. They made me so weak I had to shove them away.
Sometimes, you live to an age when you think you're all grown up and then you're like a child when these thoughts creep in.
I guess in all honesty, my Lord has answered me in more ways than I've realised. I've learnt not to carry the burden of the theory of "a life in my hands" ..

I once explored the different medications available and also ate myself up when I thought it was I who caused the 2nd visit to a&e and now, after trying and changing and paying and changing.. she doesn't even want to eat it.
The irony of life isn't it.
I've somewhat given in to you God, perhaps medications may or may not work but it is you who holds the key to our lives. Not the doctors, nor the specialists, nor me not even mum.
I realise, I am so small ..
You take over.
I surrender.

tick tock wont you stop

The 4s were spent separating the warring nations from attacks
Then the 5s came with a mountain full of expenses and fights magnified. Monetary issues worsened and all was lost. well, almost.
These went on for days, weeks, months, years and in a year, only a few good weeks were spent in peace.
At a blink of an eye, the 6s came quickly while the pace grew slower, more greys emerged and giving in seemed easier because strength faded..
And now, 7s approach n its not the best but then again maybe you once thot..

"I could have had better..
But now...
when I lie u lift me up
When I call u appear on the ball
when my fingers grow weak u button me up
when my eyes are dry u give me some drops
When I can't bend to wear my shoe, u bend over to sort em out
When I nag, you laugh
When I smile , it delights you even more
When I'm spoilt u pamper me full

Even though u talk too much and boasts like a pro
I wldnt have it any other way coz when you go i wouldn't know how to handle the blow.
and I'd probably wish you back again. "

and as for me.. yes I know every minute hour day week and month is precious.
I will do my best, God please do the rest.

I am not so strong..
if you would.. pls carry me along.

Managing Stress

The sun is still shining bright as I gaze out my window, fortunate to many that I’m even able to see the sun shine as I enter the office and still enjoy the evening’s golden glow as I walk my way home. But as I type away, I know I’m trying to manage the stress that creeps inside. 

Today I skipped lunch to bring M to EYS to replenish the TCM  stock. Gave a to-buy list from NTUC. Gulped a biscuit and headed for a client meeting. Made arrangements to pick up the meds from the Oncologist tomorrow morning. So simple. Just phonecalls, time off work to get these things arranged but the stress of managing work, meds, groceries, financials have been taking a toll on me. 

I’ve been blessed and my Lord has undoubtedly shown me favor by still providing faithfully but I’m nonetheless fearful. Resources of time and money are being drained and well, they are positively related to each other. Less time on work equals to less money.  I’m glad that I’ve got the assurance of faith that God will see me through but the confession is that there are still times when worry comes knocking on my door.

Sometimes I don’t understand why so much has to be placed on my shoulders. I know for a fact that if I switch off and be like the IT, I could be living more joyfully but I can’t , hence the burden I chose to carry. I only have myself to blame for what I chose to do. 

I only hope and pray that God will add some points or stickers for me when I see him face to face because the  bricks not light, the wait’s not easy, the pain still lingers and the joy in life has somewhat been stolen.

Going back again to Philippians 4:6-7

Do not worry about anything but in everything through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, submit your requests to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. 

Before I even receive, I still need to thank Him for all the blessings I sometimes cannot see. Perhaps if I just focus on that and submit, my failing heart and beaten mind would be better guarded. 

For now, the fast from facebook remains. Not for the faint hearted lest I shoot myself down with pics I dare not face.

Hectic Week

The week was a hectic one.
Glad that the scare is over and things are almost back on track again. Perhaps a warning to me to treasure and work fast and hard in good times coz when back times come, it hits like a storm.
Spiritually too.. A reliance on God has given me strength I would have never been able to survive had I relied on my own strength.
This week, I learnt that in overcoming stress the first and most important thing is to just trust God to bring me through and totally lay it at his feet.

As in Philippians 4:6-7
Do not worry about anything but in everything through prayer and supplication the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

And worrying about tomorrow brings me nowehere. Just take each day as if it's the last but leave enough resources for tomorrow may still come.

May He bless p&m with better health.

understand that you cannot understand

The past 5 months have gone by too quickly. My last post was in January. The beginning of the year did not start very well and I sought to change perspectives and live a little more for myself. It got to a point where I had to stop relying on people to make or break my moods. There was an over reliance on individuals who made my day and I had to seek out my own happiness lest I lose it all.


I got involved with the community once again, walked the more involved path at ministry level, interacted with more people on a social level and focused more on the Cambodia project too. Little by little, when I become more useful, there was more meaning to life again.

Each time the burdens from home weighed on my shoulders, I dealt with it with a couple of tools. Thoughts of optimism, prayers to transform and made a “hole” in my heart and/or mind to sift out pressures I could not deal with.

I learned

“ Never try to understand the way people are coz we can never understand everyone, Understand that you just cannot understand everyone” .

With these thoughts, it helped to grow patience over the idiosyncrasies of certain people.

My last trip to Phnom Penh was once again an eye opening experience. The main agenda of this trip was to meet with neighboring Churches and the 2 NGO’s to see if we could get support or have partnerships in future projects. In those few days , we also stopped by a slum.

Images of the slum still play on my mind, of the little food they had, the garbage to live with right at their backyard, the space they had to cramp into. Other thoughts of the abusive fathers etched onto my mind as well. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side I guess. While strolling in the slum, I sent a text back to mum that there was so much to thank God for. Even as I recall these things, my issues subconsciously shrink in the light of the magnitude of suffering they faced. Of course, some would argue that it’s different, we never grew up in slums, they never grew up in homes like ours hence no loss, no comparison but looking at my life, I wouldn’t want it any other way even If I had a choice.

The last 5 months I’ve learned to be more accepting to different people and the odd habits or temperaments unique to each individual. I still stand on the same belief system that I shouldn’t change people but I can add to them.

Sadly in the last week, I’ve heard from the closest friends – “I’m a difficult person” . I always thought I loved to please and now this very statement pricks and is in conflict with the innermost purposes and values of my life . Have I been a hypocrite to myself, thinking that I place others first but in reality am seen as a selfish person who’s hard to please. The fact that people linked it to my failed relationships leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. The way I handled relationships have not been perfect. Perhaps full of imperfections than anything else. But I’m trying and learning.

However, does it make me a difficult person exiting a partnership that just doesn’t feel right? If I can’t make you happy and I can’t give you my best, then would I not be selfish forcing myself to do what I can’t? I understand myself and I know what makes me happy and I’m not. Of all people it had to be spoken from someone so close..

I may be difficult to understand and seen as a difficult person but all I’ve ever thought was to try to be understood and try to understand.. and when I can’t , to still continue trying to understand.

Sometimes I wish it was easier, being easy going, living a free life, without the burdens and recollections of past conflicts between my parents, the worries of the present and the uncertainties of the future. Why wasn’t I made like that?

Focus on being a less difficult person.. how in the world do I do that? They left me with a statement I could not understand and don’t know how to correct.

my gift

The unopened gift

The season's greetings are over, presents have been exchanged and the new year has begun.

Over the Christmas Service at St George's, I was filled with joy celebrating the birth of Christ, my Saviour.

Even though it was a tiring week buying, wrapping gifts and attending parties, it was a good break from all of that just calming down in His Holy Presence.. allowing that tranquil peace and joy to seep into my once wounded heart.

I read a devotion titled " the last unopened gift " and I, too had my version of what the last unopened gift was. We unwrap gifts with anticipation and there, the moment it is opened, the excitement dissipates. But really, the greatest gift of all is the gift of love around us. Sometimes, we get so caught up with the parties and gift exchange that we forget the greatest gift is immaterial. To be able to have people around you to love and who love you is the greatest gift of all but too often forgotten.

As I stood in the beautiful bricked structure of St George's, I looked back at the last year, entertained recollections of the tears on 25 Dec 2010 and realised, boy do I have so much to thank God for. A year of frustration, confusion, pain, relief and an entire roller coaster of wild emotions turned around like a stack of Dark Spades to Queen of Hearts.

My last and most treasured gift I have opened because I have come to realize the treasures that I was once blind to.

And Mum has started cooking again, even this is something to be joyful about.

This year will be better, it will and must begin with me.

May all be blessed this 2012