thoughts that stroll

Attempting to take a stroll from orchard to my home at the 11th hour of a monday evening. The thought was therapeutic and I needed to space out after a tiring day. The weather was fitting for a stroll even if I had to do it alone..
Thoughts filled my mind.. of my family and those i included in this circle. Warm and then painful and this song I replayed in my ears.. Lord I am yearning for thee..
In our weakest state, who really can we turn to? We live and die alone dont we? Better to depend on oneself than the world who may or may not be there.
I thought about m and the future and in seconds I knew I couldn't handle those thoughts. They made me so weak I had to shove them away.
Sometimes, you live to an age when you think you're all grown up and then you're like a child when these thoughts creep in.
I guess in all honesty, my Lord has answered me in more ways than I've realised. I've learnt not to carry the burden of the theory of "a life in my hands" ..

I once explored the different medications available and also ate myself up when I thought it was I who caused the 2nd visit to a&e and now, after trying and changing and paying and changing.. she doesn't even want to eat it.
The irony of life isn't it.
I've somewhat given in to you God, perhaps medications may or may not work but it is you who holds the key to our lives. Not the doctors, nor the specialists, nor me not even mum.
I realise, I am so small ..
You take over.
I surrender.