happy thots..

I thought about it..
maybe i should start putting in happy thoughts here..
like finding something good out of every bad
or finding something to be happy even through unhappiness..
but recently it hasnt been looking too good..
everytime i see rainbows the stormy clouds appear..

k nvm e =( ness

in e last few days im glad dad has gotten more confident with the needles..
and in e last hour, mum's fever has just subsided..thats good.

certainty amidst uncertainty

Looking upset


Looking fine


Losing some appetite


then getting it back..


Readings rocket high


Then down a little low


Said its stroke ..


Then say e signs dont appear so


levels go up


And then it tapers low


Then new tests come up


And now they say its something new..


What in e world is wrong ...


need some certainty


In this uncertain road..


Need a little dose of faith


just that tiny bit of aid..

theres alot of pain..

Christmas Day

Mum has been a diabetic for the last 20 + years and she has been on oral
medication. However, early Dec, she has been walking unstably. With the
help of a friend, we managed to get a specialist consultation very quickly
on the 22nd of Dec.


The specialist told us that her glucose levels have reached alarming
levels n that she has to start being on the Insulin injections. (which I"m
quite sure made her somewhat depressed) He also persuaded to ward her but
she refused. (yep, who likes to be warded)
Dad and I had to be taught how to inject mum and it was also one of the
most painful times for me as well. We went back home and I realised dad is
getting old too, he cant quite remember the steps although i could tell he
was trying his best to. Eventually we ran through e steps together but dad
was afraid he"d make a mistake.


I had no choice but to take it from there and pretend to be confident....
Blamed myself for doing it wrong e 1st time and had to jab mum twice
instead of once, for taking out her blood to check against e glucometer
only to realise I did it wrongly as well.


Its just not easy starting a life w all these needles esp when i used to feel faint with e sight of them or a drip of blood.


These are teething problems. I have to get better as time goes by.
Also, the sight of needles and blood appear in my mind every night i close my eyes I
hope it will go away soon.


Its Christmas Day today, mum vommitted 3 times and felt numbness on the left of her face. Dad and I decided it was best to send her to a&e at SGH. Docs speculated stroke. Till now they have not concluded as she lies in the Neuro ward.


I"m partly glad I can take my mind off needles for a while but I hope they can conclude soon what the root of the problem is. They suspect its stroke and are trying to determine it with the help of almost 6 doctors who've seen her. They can't be very definite because hers isn't a classic stroke case.


I ask for you to say a prayer for my family and most of all recovery for mum and that she responds well to the insulin. It'd would be lovely if our dear God could create a miracle and just make everything ok, take away her diabetes and this stroke. She must be feeling very frustrated not being able to walk around and eat freely and yet have to get pricked more than 10 times a day and have blood drawn from her.


Pls also pray for strength and peace for my family as we go through this difficult time. My Faith is being tested again and again. I've also taken time off work and have absolutely no appetite every day.


Lastly, for all who"ve taken health and family for granted, do eat healthily even during this season of celebration and dont trade anything for precious family time.

gaining weight - good sign

the 1st sign of recovery - scolding and nagging

even though I once hated it
im starting to appreciate it now
coz it shows that some strength has been regained.
I pulled out the weighing scale.
+2 to 49kg now.

Good signs~

Still, Vic, Nic, Joel .. all Drs advised me to send her for a series of all the other tests. Will have to let her known soon ...

if i cld have one wish...

it isnt but sure feels like a bad breakup,
plays on my mind whenever im alone
n yet I rather not be with co all the time
tugs at the centre of my being too much...


feel like escaping,
burrying a hole so im plain oblivious
going back to being a kid by drinking some magic potion
or growing some wings to fly to a mountain top and scream it all out


but if i could have just one Christmas wish
I think I'd just ask for a swing on a magic wand and make her permanently ok.

its been a week....

its been a week since I saw the signs,
2 days since e lower dosage of medication
1 day since e 1st fall.
every new day gives me a leap or a dive in emotions
coz the ups and downs go in this cycle every new day.

Suspense is dreadful,
and I know I should be optimistic
but as much as words of encouragement come my way,
seeing is believing
and seeing tells me bad..

But I need to remember that there can be blind faith.

God give me strength,
give me wisdom,
give me patience
make me happy again..

type 2 diabetes

For a long while I thought of this condition as mild, afterall most cases I've heard of were mild. Then I only realised recently how complicated it could be..

Any of us, take hunger and food intake as its solution for granted.. the body's naturally able to break down sugars to be able to be absorbed in the body in a safe way. But imagine feeling weak, hungry and not being able to consume too much sugar or high energy food like rice, potatoes to keep your energy level up, it's tough..

With the recent events, I realised that I should have read up about it earlier. There's so much to know and it definitely benefits me even more when someone in the family has it.

So I decided to sum up my readings for today..

Diabetes is a set of diseases where the body cannot regulate the amount of sugar (glucose)  in the blood.
Those with diabetes type 2 has the pancreas  produce insulin ( a hormone that distributes glucose to the different cells in the body, eg liver, muscle, fat cells ) BUT the body is either only partially able to or totally unable to absorb the insulin.

Those diagnosed with this type of diabetes start taking medication which controls the blood sugar level and decreases the amount of sugar that the liver makes.
Still, diabetes medication should not be fully relied on, it should be paired together with regular healthy meals and exercise.

Hyperglycemia is a condition that comes up where sugar level is poorly managed and excess glucose circulates in the blood plasma. Hyperglycemia damages the retina of the eye, kidneys, nerves, blood vessels..

But the signs I see, weight loss, fatigue etc seem to be characterised with hypoglycemia instead..
Shitez.. will ask the doc tomorrow.. im tired and think im done with today's readings..

hoping for the best

We learn something new about ourselves every now and then..
I've always acknowledged that there were some VIPS that existed in my life..
But I only recently experienced an immense amount of a very new emotion..
knowing that the most important person in my life is down..

Everyday's a battle, seeing problems with mobility walking, getting out of the chair or out of the car, seeing her always tired, seeing her upset with herself for being this way.. A battle rages within coz I cannot bear to see it and wish I could run away from it.. and yet.. for obvious reasons I cannot.
Sometimes I wish I could disengage and busy myself with work and still, I have no mood for absolutely anything else. I want to be there all the time knowing that while my hand is there for her to hold,  she's safe from any fall or that I monitor everything she eats so that the sugar level doesn't escalate any further. I want to drive her everywhere because I don't want her to be cooped up at home and then I get all tired myself coz there's just so much to do and so much on my mind.

I know.. Im not dealing with this very well, I'm not doing this right.. I should hope for the best and wait for test results to be out soon.. Guess even for such things I need time to re-adjust and continue living life in the same way and getting back to work..

It's not easy at all.. I'm sick with fear, stressed with the unknown and fighting a battle of emotions every new day. she's afterall the most important person in my life. 

Hoping for the best...

being me

Why am i trying to be someone im not?
am i trying to be a better person or just making myself different.
Or making myself different n becoming a lousier person..
I really cant tell...

I really wanna be just me.. it seemed easier then, no cares, no fears....help... :(

Soulful Seoul

I'm back from yet another trip.
It was rejuvenating and I probably haven't felt like a child in a long time..
My greatest memory remains to be the moment snow fell from the dark skies..
A sense of child like excitement, happiness and literally, felt like I was dreaming..
and then the next thing was to rush back to tell my other playmate about it.
Standing outside novotel, I had no cares in the world,
it was afterall my very 1st experience in almost 30 years..
I remember smiling with joy, looking skyward, thanking God for everything I wished for.. =)
and im glad we experienced that moment together. =)

snowflakes on e Christmas tre

Being in a city like Seoul was unique, even through the hustle and bustle I felt no tinge of stress or hurried pace like how it was in other asian cities like HK, Tokyo or Shanghai. Perhaps we were in zzz land when people were rushing to work and in the happy shopping grounds of Myeong Dong while the workaholics were making their way home. Even as were tucked in the corner of Cafe Bene by the busy main road , I was filled with a calming peace, enjoying the 1-3 degrees temperature, listening to the jazzy chrismas carols sipping latte, munching on a cookie/cake,  releasing vapour and chatting with my sista.. what joy..

caffe bene

The S Koreans left a rather pleasant impression on me, friendly and always willing to help, an old man who was commuting on the train bothered explaining to us mutlitple times how to get to our destination. Many on the street had no clue how to speak much English apart from yes and no and directing with their fingers in korean but they were kind. ...

I remember asking "do u speak english?" to a couple of em at the ski resort to find out if e gondola tix would bring me on a return trip, the guy replied " a little bit"

next thing I knew I was putting my sign language at work - gestures like im lousy at skiing, can i sit down on the gondola down the slope etc.. coz apart from his "a little bit" , we were both speaking in 2 languages either of us cld ever understand. and of course I couldnt help but end with one my well practiced "kahmsa hamneeda"

Funny moments like that made the trip memorable, the coldness, the food, the coffee sessions and above all its always the company that enhances the joy factor in any trip.

Missing seoul already..

outgrowing comfort

some bask in natural simplicity, happiness
light heartedness and yet free spirited
yet some soak in too many thoughts,
on the future, with fear..

Fitting clothes feel comfortable,
yet when we outgrow them, we have little choice
either live in discomfort or move on to new ones...
and then sometimes irony strikes where
there are some clothes - fitting and comfortable that aren't ours to keep.

the world of ironies, complexities.. why wont people make it simpler..
is it really so difficult... ?