free time fer me.

When I was down in the pits I needed alot of company. Needed ppl to talk to, needed activity to kill thoughts in my head, needed to drink to drown the memories, needed the open sea to calm my attacks..

and then when I'm better, friends mistake me for using them and sometimes wonder why I stopped calling....
I wrote an email response to a v close friend and whilst I was at it, I understood myself better too..

Concluded that it's easy to just pick up the phone, call a friend out.
but those were temporary solutions.
deep inside I know I'm independant..and I knew I had to depend on myself to pounce outa the pit.

I respect people's situation and their time and I know that there would be more to gain if I spent time being alone, to sort out my thoughts, my feelings, my plans..
Being dependant on no one but myself... and its not easy sometimes but over time I have learnt..

I'm at a phase where I try to depend on myself, try to be happy
being home early. watching dvds and having solitary time ..

I was always used to hanging out, every day, every night. downing gallons on weekends with friends, tiring myself till Monday came again and the cycle continued..

but now .. Voila.. I've finally mastered the art and joy of being home early, watching a dvd, working on personal projects, writing, planning.. thinking.. reflecting..

life is good once more~

bzbzbzbzbz....

Will be away this weekend for the Ministry camp..
Been busy trying to clear the work for the month and planning out stuff for camp too..
Had a talk with W about the direction of this part I'm serving in and I have absolutely no idea how to ignite that spark..

Anyhow the road doesn't end here.. and whilst everyone just wants to do their own thing and prefers enforcing their own opinion I guess it's good to contribute till His direction becomes more visible..
We will make mistakes anyway, so instead of finding out whats wrong with everyone, it'd be good to start makin ourself right first. That should be the priority and will in fact be the easiest.

I read the numerology thing.. strange how accurate it can be.. and just when I said I needed some time on my own.. that thing said the same!!! Spooks me out!!!

solitary's out

I was just doing my usual thinking about life and realised that everyone needs someone..
no matter how independant or strong
young or old..

seems like everyone has that lonely side of them..
more so when they've placed lots of time and effort on someone previously v special..

Ppl say they are good alone..
Doubt it.. there's always someone around.. somewhere.. hidden or known.. or at least something to look forward to..

problem and solution

had a meeting on monday..
Boss said,
if there's a problem, find a solution.
if you can't find a solution , it's not a problem. Time to throw it away.

A very cold way of handling matters but true in many aspects..

I touched base with the feely side again and those almost forgotten emotions came to live and proved to have its draining effects yet again.
Yes time to wake up the idea and throw it away once more.

For a long while I've looked upon myself as independant, too cold for my own good, practical, objective.. but this saga certainly proved to be an entire mistake of identity of myself..
I'm not so much of 'the man' .. very much a girl after all..

ha..

the gift...

recollections of the day that gift was given away..
carefully wrapped in a box within a box,
decietfully camouflaged as somethin else.

that was when i hunted down the * for an idiot.
from the shops to the net to friends and colleagues..
alas..
with so much pride in my gift giving..
I knew that day would come and I still gave it my all..
in full acceptance that there'd be calls to someone else..
I shared??

had no qualms because there can be no selfishness in givin..

and independance day came..

do selfish fools exist?
not if the fool was me..

at church today..

I skipped the morning service bcoz I'm on a 'be early campaign' and since I was late the punishment was to wait for the next service to start..

Im glad I made it for the full service..

Rev Alvin Chan spoke about the good and bad in our lives and how there's always gonna be bad weeds around us whether we like it.. people who are rebellious or even those who influence us in negative ways..

but in the parable from Matthew 13:29-30 when the servant wanted to remove the tares(bad weeds) among the wheat and go after the enemy who planted the weeds, Jesus said

"No,because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.' "

A good lesson to learn .. few lessons to take with this parable.. but to pick out something that related to me .. i was reminded that often I've been too quick to judge, to look down upon those who seem inferior and detach myself from them fearing that they are like weeds to my life.. But we are only human.. and who are we to judge when we sin like everyone else..