The Bucket List

Realised how important time was..
more so after this excellent movie.
Life can change when you've decided to make it change.
and the 2 strangers did the most in the last 3 months of their lives than their entire lifetime..
That's something to think about..
Not to wait till the last days but to will and make the best of the days we've got.

I know that already..

allowing time to heal or healing thru time.

choice is clear. still..action speaks otherwise..

wake up wake up!!

empty home.. or not..

comin back to an empty hm didnt feel gd.
thank God those clowns n mar came down to sup.
For awhile it felt so much better being able to laugh....( at their stupidity..ha..)
and mar and I talked about having kids at the same time.. labouring together, spend maternity together,... erm.. thats a fun n absoulutely delightful thought.. but am i dreaming or wat.. i'm 2 stages behind her..

Anyhow..

Came back to everyone home.
Thought of going online but then its been awhile since I've spoken to mum or hung around the living room with family..
Asked my mum if she needed to go anywhere tomorrow since bro said he'd be taking his car to JB.
Mum answered in that frustrated way, " where's there to go if there's no car"
sigh.. why did she have to talk to me in that way when I actually wanted to pass her my car..
Empty home = sian.
Family home = ....

is there a difference..

I could've put in more effort to be patient, she might have had a rough day with dad n bro but.. I hadn't been in the best of moods too..

=(

im really in one of those moods..

whats e prescribtion?

yet to understand these thoughts that fill my mind,
they are scattered,
a little warped sometimes,
can't find the source of negativity
nor the solution.
At times, the virus seems dormant or almost absent,
and other times it re-activates agn.
It's been weeks,
still counting...
Kinda desperate at times
to find the cure, the medication.
coz I'm certainly not one who likes to put things on hold.
I try to allow pretense to bring me back to good times.
Since they say when u engage in positivism it brings you there,
but.. for once in my life.. it don't seem to work that way.
Self pity or genuinely helpless?

winds~

strangely..
I was driving @ approx 11pm last night and the winds.. scary winds .. the roads were filled with litter, pedestrians looked around wondering where these winds came from. Even whilst driving, howlings could be heard, branches came tumbling on my whitie. Near home, a bus had to stop because a tree branch was lightning stricken and lay well across a road. Litter was everywhere..

Tonight... yet again.. I was in the east and there the skies quickly litted up as clouds were blown to create an overcast sky. City building lights reflected on those heavy rain clouds and it seemed almost bright as early morning. I sped home and winds blew in all directions.. litter all around the estate once again.. and I almost ran home.. (like a kid)

strangely, half an hour later.. did this area turn into the eye of the storm? absolutely wind-less and rain-less..

Hope no other cranes tumble tonight..

Also..I've awakened tonight.. I know what I need to do now.. Total Defence.

update on april
managed a noon run today with a very good companion.
room got a teeny bit cleaner.
work flow's smoother.
25*2+108*2+..
should be done with e chapter on stewartship tomorrow.
Hopefully another run on Fri and a paced work schedule in the next 2 days..

can do it.. will do it..

Time

I was reading this chapter on stewardship and it talked about how we use our time.

The more scarce something is, the more valuable it is. Gold would not be precious if we could pick them up by the side of the road.. and in a similiar way, time would not be so precious if we never died..
What a way to look at things but there is truth in it..

It occured to me that I've been a bad stewart of my time. Agonising through situations I cannot change or dwelling in history to a certain extend (like what Ndrw said) I guess often I do that not because I like to, but because I'm unhappy about the way certain things turned out and I .. am guilty of thinking too much..

It also said that not only is time short, but what remains is fleeting. When I stop and realise that 293 months of my life has gone by and I'm only left with perhaps 300 months if I die at 50yrs old.. is a truly morbid thought.. but in reality thats not a long time.. month after month goes by with a flip of the calender..

So guess as much as I'm reminded, I should embrace the discipline to make not simply full use but good use of my time and thoughts that pass with it.

Like the 2 men who were chopping the tree, the one that had more rest managed to chop the tree in a shorter time.. because he stopped to rest and stopped to sharpen his axe..
Relearning..

For the Purpose of Godliness - Donald S whitney

Thought the storm clouds cleared and then it reappeared.
Storm reduced clarity along the road.
Driving conditions were tough..
Almost as though I was blind to the next bend ahead.
And suddenly when the storm passed and the new day arrived.
Vision came back again.
Stay close to daddy's home when storm clouds draw near perhaps.
Temporary shelter better than temporary vision lost.

this road or that.

For days I was drowning in it..
In this unwilling spirit to do almost anything.
I was caught up with the negativity @ work, socially, even myself.
I found no comfort in being home nor being out.
I questioned the source of this dismay.
Found no answer.
I read Allan's suicide letter..
I was wondering how it could have been so easy for him to just pack up and leave.
Or was it really easy.
Worshippin the devil indeed..
I was almost impressed with the very act.
I was stuck in a pit. Could not head forward nor back..
not up nor down.
Took time off to lay myself down to rest.
plucked up the courage to let the AH know how i was.
then..
I monitored and realised that the depression that accompanied al. were gone.
in the presence of the source of discomfort.. perhaps.. was comfort.
I learned to ease the tension and self medicate.
Allowed bits of happiness to creep in and yet maintain the distance from the bad effects.
wasn't easy But I was glad to even taste a fresh glimpse of happy.

I spread my cloth to align myself to nature once again.
New perspectives came to mind..
and the road to recovery continued..

Now that the mobility is back..
it's a lot easier even if its an uphill climb..
It's not easy having ...

happiness amidst sadness
loneliness amidst company
freedom amidst stifledness
silence amongst loved ones
laughter amidst pain
sorrow amidst celebration..

its this road or that.
simple comprehension.

update on april

room a little neater,
bladed 15km
more organized work scheme
walking a little faster..
sleeping a little better.

resolution perhaps..

every now and then..
i slip into this sense of unfulfillness..
even when i've achieved so much.
perhaps this happens when one frees up too much time
to give some stuff too much thought..
a little stuck in limbo..

1st april .. the start of the month shall find light in this new beginning..
a quarter of the year gone by.. no more time to lose.

30th April shall see the victory in e challenge with Mvis and I
a cleaned up room.. to perfection.
a clearer plan on the next flight.
and a more spiritual walk.
and twice a week running or blading.

for now i shall set these temporal goals..
little steps b4 i start to pick up flying again..