Conversation with dad

And so another few months have passed..

I have not been in the best this year but I am thankful for the Church Camp speaker. I hear that God has used him to speak right into the hearts of many. I am thankful to be one of the many. I've gained new perspective and the dry season of my walk with God has been watered to some extend. A little like a little plant trying to grow through a storm.

I had a brief conversation with dad today. He spoke of mum's hospitalization just last month. That while waiting, her blood pressure dipped. In his words, "luckily I brought mum in, if not.. "

I didn't like the word lucky, it just doesn't go in line with the way God works. God doesn't work by chance, he gives life and takes away as and when he pleases. I replied that there's no luck in this at all coz life and death is all in God's hands, not in luck's hands.

He also mentioned that doctors said its not long, we are probably talking about months.. Prepare for the worst.. Again I replied, why is it the worst, heaven is a beautiful place isn't it.. Isn't it worse seeing mum suffer like this, immobile, not being able to enjoy her food, not being able to do anything..

Perhaps I could be seen as cold, too practical. In truth though, I guess there's a part me that is trying to make him strong and see the bright side of everything..
I realize every day that its not easy for dad. I also keep failing to contribute, to lighten the atmosphere at home..

Every time I am refreshed and think I can be strong, I fall again thinking about the reality of it all..
Since I got back from the conference, mum hasn't been able to talk to me anymore.. We are talking about months..
God hold me up ..Gotta be strong .. Gotta be strong..

dear mummy

It's been 3 years now and we are back in the hospital for the 3rd time. 

This year in April and now, just after Christmas. 

I could have sent u to hospital earlier  but I didn't like the idea of u spending Christmas in the hospital and was trying out tonics in the hope that things would improve. I'm sorry that while waiting you may have got worse. 

Thank God though that there was a stirring in my heart that if this delayed, there may have been more complications and that's why we're in hospital now. 

If u could look into our hearts you'd realize how your family cares for you. If u could also see how pa has been losing weight you would also probably be nicer to him? I hope u already know all of this. 

I often have conversations with God on why He had to give you an illness like this. It's really not nice and I'm also sorry I didn't grow up fast enough to watch your food intake closely or to bring u to exercise with me. 

Yesterday the doctor slapped me with brutal reality.. She asked.. "If your mum's heart fails, would u want us to resuscitate her and put her on a life support machine etc or would u want to let her go comfortably? 

The answer was clear. No more suffering. "of course, the natural way is best" I answered very calmly but this question serves as a reminder for me to prepare myself. Yes of course it's the best but thinking about it sucks. I have to focus on the heavenly pleasures you would later enjoy to feel better and the fact that u'd have no more pain when you are there.. :) 

Well mum, today you're on your 4th pack of blood and looking a lot better. I hope this continues and you are more comfortable and sleep well. 

I Love You Mum. 

Escapism

How easy it is to escape difficulties and to free ourselves from things we cannot bear by turning to pleasures- drinking, shopping or holidaying.

I realize today... I am guilty.

Dealing with difficult situations have not been easy. Dealing with sickness has been worse. I have attempted to provide help when it was needed, emptied my pockets ever so often, counseled when tension prevailed and I failed time and again to reap much harvest for the seeds I sowed.

Did I really think that I did that much.. Yes admittedly, but I realize that the bigger question was - have I done enough - and through who's eyes. Was it through God's eyes or my human eye.

Lately I have been escaping,shutting my ears and eyes to the bickering and tension that exists almost daily. Every time I exposed myself to it- it would drain me out emotionally. It would make me feel that this life was not worth living. I allowed the devil to speak too much.. Telling me that I should consider moving out...

Escapism.

Today I read Rev Gordon Wong's book - God why? In the 3rd chapter it spoke about Habakuk's doubts if God was really present through the suffering he had to go through. If God really cared?

An analogy of a girl who sometimes wondered if her mum really loved her. In her mum's sickness, her mum was a different person, shouting or keeping absolutely silent and ignoring her child. The child responds " whenever I begin to doubt, I remind myself of who she is.i think about the past,before she became sick. I remember how she looked for me when I was lost in the shopping mall and how happy I was to see her. I remember the time I was so sick and she would sleep through the whole night on the floor beside my bed... When I remember these things, my doubts disappear. Even though she no longer shows it and I no longer feel it, I know she loves me. She's my mum."

The same with God that is ever present but never. Still, if I could cling on to the assurance of God's love then I should be no different to my mum who is still present and seen.

I should attempt to forgo escapism and persevere through the storm.

Mountains do crumble

A mountain that stands tall,
Appears to be unshaken through all circumstances
Weathering through every storm and blaze of heat.
What lies beneath?
Internally, fault lines lay its grounds,
Unseen to the world in awe.
All thats revealed is majestic glow...
But even every mountain can crumble.
Sometimes through the fault lines of the closest hill,
Other times through the brewing heat of the deep grounds.
Not one is indispensable.
But we often forget.
Then the cycle continues where we raise our hopes and take for granted what has been bestowed unto us.
And all so often, he gives us opportunity to fall..
To realise who's the greatest of us all.
I have been torn apart and humbled.
I stand amazed and rather seek humility then think I'm too strong to even fumble again.

collections from the land of buzz~

It's been a while since the advocate of breaks breathed a proper one.

Found some bits of courage and went ahead to book e air tix n hotel just 2 weeks ago.

There were a few objectives set out:
-daily quiet time
-sort out ministry tasks
-tailors
-and of course.. To pray, reflect n breathe.

Day 1

Touched down. I made my way up instead of down to w taxi stand. While figuring my way around I found a fellow stranger. I offered to accompany stranger to the taxi stand n by a stroke of coincidence I was provided with a bodyguard- stranger was heading e same way, I offered n we were on our way to sukhomvit in a shared cab.

In the short 30 min journey, we had good conversation and stranger suggested drinks since he had hours to kill before the midnight flight. I was going to have my alone time the rest of e days so this was fine with me.

I brought stranger for a mini tour of This land. The randomness of events intrigued me. Chemistry between complete strangers can exist. I realized then that at one point in my life, I was forcing chemistry out of history. Those 2 equations can never co- exist. Even if it did, there would be no resulting explosion nor reaction. Simply 2 independent entities in 2 different islands.

The day ended at Khao San w dinner and Chang over good humor. Bodyguard stranger was to board the next flight but it was fine.. We need to allow people to come and go without holding on too much or life would probably be less colorful.

That usually happens when we disallow spontaneous randomness to find any space.

Live n let live. :)



Day 2

I've been conditioned to a 6 hour sleep cycle. Not wanting to waste precious day 2 away quiet time began. I thanked God for my recent blessings too.. A gift that has been extraordinary.

Work wrapped up at Au Bon Pain below. Exactly the way I planned- with choco raisin melting in my palette.

The afternoon was filled with a walk to Ravi sehgal. It was long but purposeful. People watching and pics from the streets.

I got to the square n told myself to shop for shoes. I've been conditioned to the habits of a bad shopper. When ur eyes don't send signals to ur brains to make a purchase it just won't. So I found little to put in my shopping bag.

The bad shopper also suffers from claustrophobia with the lack of practice. Amidst the buzz of town I had a craving to have a conversation with someone- my usual Hollie buddy. But.. Wake up! Did u forget your alone?!

I wandered away from the buzz or noise would have killed me. Voila, lonely has now gone and happy has revisited. I escaped noise and found Paris. Chezcharlie@sukhomvit. What joy it is when u know how to be in a make believe world. :)

Day 3 - cycle day out!

I'm looking forward to e countryside. The kind of charger for the old soul me :)

I asked for directions and found soi 26 rather easily. I realised how those few lanes of sukhumvit were indeed filled with many Japanese eateries and people. When I arrived at ABC there were 2 shops and I originally thought the shop was closed, as i walked further, i saw the shutters next door were half open and so I made my way in. 

Walked up the stairs and despite the quietness from ground floor I realised that there was an entire group of 12 waiting up there, Germans, French, Dutch, Americans.. As I sat down I also realised that everyone came with a partner. I was the lone ranger. Better still, I was ready to get to know half the world or not be stuck with anyone at all. 

Soon enough we got onto our bikes and took the first pedal of the journey. It was cool just knowing I made it here alone, signed up for a tour alone and that I was finally on the streets peddling on a foreign land doing something totally out of the ordinary.. Talk about stepping out of our comfort zones!

Pavements, bustling main roads, turned in and out of small streets and ended up at a back alley of local homes with a small shoe factory, provision shop.. Explanations from A - our tour guide ( who amazed me with the amount of English she could speak for a Thai) and then to Talad(market)  Klong Toay .. The colours and life in the market was an eye opening experience compared to the kind of markets I've been accustomed to my entire life. There were buyers from restaurants and hotels too and they were accompanied with 'porters' who carried the basket of goods on their backs and were identified with numbered uniforms. Interesting.. 

Then we got out onto the midday blaze, wound behind some back alley of homes, stopped at Wat Klong Toay for a toilet break and A introduced some tropical fruits to the farangs. It was amusing coz they were intrigued by fruits like the mangosteen and longan.. But of course I was outnumbered and had no one to share my amusement with, I just kept silent. :) 

Out of the temple and on the pathway to the pier a very nice dog decided to intercept my path, did the pre- poop turn and started on his constipated poop time. I decided to wait, who likes to be interrupted at precious times like that.. While waiting, a local shouted out and attempted to chase the poor dog away with a broom. Thanks but really.. No thanks.. I didn't mind waiting at all, I hope someday, you'll realise the agony of being disturbed in moments like these. 

And so my path cleared up as I manoeuvred around half poop. Onto the pier and our sampan arrived shortly. As if I didn't enjoy my journey enough, this was a bonus, being able to cross to another island just got me excited. Bikes were loaded onto the boat and off we sailed to a nearby shore that had my kind of peace and quiet.. 

I don't know the names of places we visited- a temple, behind homes, rodeos narrow paths and stopped at a hut for lunch. Conversation was interesting, the Europeans advised me on places to travel for my next eu expedition and taught me some German too. I also spoke to Aon and offered a place to stay too if she was keen since I was travelling alone and there was space.. And then I decided that I'd speak to my Asian partners instead. Spoke to the old granny and the other tour guide helped me to interpret, they laughed at my broken Thai or gesturing and I sent her well wishes as we parted. That was a memorable experience. 

Back on the journey back to ABC and as we were about to go on our own ways, I gave the Girl from Amsterdam my contact if and when she decided to pop over Singapore again. I also asked for Aon's contact in case she wanted to hang out :) no regrets (:

I look back and am reminded that everything only happens once when you travel. The point though is to always treasure the good times and never hesitate coz once you allow fear to hold you back on speaking to anyone or doing something good, you miss out on an opportunity forever. (of course with caution at all times)

And so this trip, I was glad, to have made at least 1 new friend whom I've blessed with my warmth and fellowship. Little did I know that a few months down, I would have been blessed too, with a unique invitation to her hometown. ...There in the rural town, I felt so much warmth and and hospitality from people who I can't even speak to in the same language.

And then I'm reminded of the song.. Love in any language, straight from the heart. Love isn't spoken in words, its spoken in actions from the heart. Amidst this time of blessing and rest I was also able to soak into the beauty of my Lord's creation within the natural setting of waterfalls, hills, valleys and clear blue skies.. 

season for change

Everytime it feels like there's a season for change, things take a turn and it doesn't look as good as I thought it would be. I'm glad though that I've been blessed with a faithful spirit to believe that all things work for the good of those who love Him.

The change in this season looks like it could possibly unfold but amidst that growing little seed of happiness, there's still a whole lot of caution on what could happen and how things might not look so optimistic afterall. Pessimist Optimist.

I wondered about the road ahead, the expectations, limitations, difference in factors that may not be so real now and then a whole load of worry came piling up on my shoulders, even stripping the heart of that little joy that exists. The thoughts that build up can get intense and the heaviness from my shoulders seem to be able to spillover and creep into my heart. Argh, tiresome. To think or not to think.

Above all this, I wish I could speak it out and release the tension but alas.. that's not to be again. not M nor .. nor certain groups of people who only wish to be entertained.

I should at the end of the day, simply grow that faith, and commit the entirety to trust God that all things will fall into place and he will always be able to steady my heart. To do that, I need to stay focussed on Him.

wishing n hoping n dreaming..

the need to travel,
not to spend nor to splurge
but to see the world differently with the same pair of eyes
and to see the meaning of life from different lives
often it refreshes, it gives clarity.
Clarity to treasure what I have,
To freshen up with a break from different sights and people.
A whole new world in the same ole world..
When shall my next flight be =)