dear mummy

It's been 3 years now and we are back in the hospital for the 3rd time. 

This year in April and now, just after Christmas. 

I could have sent u to hospital earlier  but I didn't like the idea of u spending Christmas in the hospital and was trying out tonics in the hope that things would improve. I'm sorry that while waiting you may have got worse. 

Thank God though that there was a stirring in my heart that if this delayed, there may have been more complications and that's why we're in hospital now. 

If u could look into our hearts you'd realize how your family cares for you. If u could also see how pa has been losing weight you would also probably be nicer to him? I hope u already know all of this. 

I often have conversations with God on why He had to give you an illness like this. It's really not nice and I'm also sorry I didn't grow up fast enough to watch your food intake closely or to bring u to exercise with me. 

Yesterday the doctor slapped me with brutal reality.. She asked.. "If your mum's heart fails, would u want us to resuscitate her and put her on a life support machine etc or would u want to let her go comfortably? 

The answer was clear. No more suffering. "of course, the natural way is best" I answered very calmly but this question serves as a reminder for me to prepare myself. Yes of course it's the best but thinking about it sucks. I have to focus on the heavenly pleasures you would later enjoy to feel better and the fact that u'd have no more pain when you are there.. :) 

Well mum, today you're on your 4th pack of blood and looking a lot better. I hope this continues and you are more comfortable and sleep well. 

I Love You Mum. 

Escapism

How easy it is to escape difficulties and to free ourselves from things we cannot bear by turning to pleasures- drinking, shopping or holidaying.

I realize today... I am guilty.

Dealing with difficult situations have not been easy. Dealing with sickness has been worse. I have attempted to provide help when it was needed, emptied my pockets ever so often, counseled when tension prevailed and I failed time and again to reap much harvest for the seeds I sowed.

Did I really think that I did that much.. Yes admittedly, but I realize that the bigger question was - have I done enough - and through who's eyes. Was it through God's eyes or my human eye.

Lately I have been escaping,shutting my ears and eyes to the bickering and tension that exists almost daily. Every time I exposed myself to it- it would drain me out emotionally. It would make me feel that this life was not worth living. I allowed the devil to speak too much.. Telling me that I should consider moving out...

Escapism.

Today I read Rev Gordon Wong's book - God why? In the 3rd chapter it spoke about Habakuk's doubts if God was really present through the suffering he had to go through. If God really cared?

An analogy of a girl who sometimes wondered if her mum really loved her. In her mum's sickness, her mum was a different person, shouting or keeping absolutely silent and ignoring her child. The child responds " whenever I begin to doubt, I remind myself of who she is.i think about the past,before she became sick. I remember how she looked for me when I was lost in the shopping mall and how happy I was to see her. I remember the time I was so sick and she would sleep through the whole night on the floor beside my bed... When I remember these things, my doubts disappear. Even though she no longer shows it and I no longer feel it, I know she loves me. She's my mum."

The same with God that is ever present but never. Still, if I could cling on to the assurance of God's love then I should be no different to my mum who is still present and seen.

I should attempt to forgo escapism and persevere through the storm.

Mountains do crumble

A mountain that stands tall,
Appears to be unshaken through all circumstances
Weathering through every storm and blaze of heat.
What lies beneath?
Internally, fault lines lay its grounds,
Unseen to the world in awe.
All thats revealed is majestic glow...
But even every mountain can crumble.
Sometimes through the fault lines of the closest hill,
Other times through the brewing heat of the deep grounds.
Not one is indispensable.
But we often forget.
Then the cycle continues where we raise our hopes and take for granted what has been bestowed unto us.
And all so often, he gives us opportunity to fall..
To realise who's the greatest of us all.
I have been torn apart and humbled.
I stand amazed and rather seek humility then think I'm too strong to even fumble again.