understand that you cannot understand

The past 5 months have gone by too quickly. My last post was in January. The beginning of the year did not start very well and I sought to change perspectives and live a little more for myself. It got to a point where I had to stop relying on people to make or break my moods. There was an over reliance on individuals who made my day and I had to seek out my own happiness lest I lose it all.


I got involved with the community once again, walked the more involved path at ministry level, interacted with more people on a social level and focused more on the Cambodia project too. Little by little, when I become more useful, there was more meaning to life again.

Each time the burdens from home weighed on my shoulders, I dealt with it with a couple of tools. Thoughts of optimism, prayers to transform and made a “hole” in my heart and/or mind to sift out pressures I could not deal with.

I learned

“ Never try to understand the way people are coz we can never understand everyone, Understand that you just cannot understand everyone” .

With these thoughts, it helped to grow patience over the idiosyncrasies of certain people.

My last trip to Phnom Penh was once again an eye opening experience. The main agenda of this trip was to meet with neighboring Churches and the 2 NGO’s to see if we could get support or have partnerships in future projects. In those few days , we also stopped by a slum.

Images of the slum still play on my mind, of the little food they had, the garbage to live with right at their backyard, the space they had to cramp into. Other thoughts of the abusive fathers etched onto my mind as well. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side I guess. While strolling in the slum, I sent a text back to mum that there was so much to thank God for. Even as I recall these things, my issues subconsciously shrink in the light of the magnitude of suffering they faced. Of course, some would argue that it’s different, we never grew up in slums, they never grew up in homes like ours hence no loss, no comparison but looking at my life, I wouldn’t want it any other way even If I had a choice.

The last 5 months I’ve learned to be more accepting to different people and the odd habits or temperaments unique to each individual. I still stand on the same belief system that I shouldn’t change people but I can add to them.

Sadly in the last week, I’ve heard from the closest friends – “I’m a difficult person” . I always thought I loved to please and now this very statement pricks and is in conflict with the innermost purposes and values of my life . Have I been a hypocrite to myself, thinking that I place others first but in reality am seen as a selfish person who’s hard to please. The fact that people linked it to my failed relationships leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. The way I handled relationships have not been perfect. Perhaps full of imperfections than anything else. But I’m trying and learning.

However, does it make me a difficult person exiting a partnership that just doesn’t feel right? If I can’t make you happy and I can’t give you my best, then would I not be selfish forcing myself to do what I can’t? I understand myself and I know what makes me happy and I’m not. Of all people it had to be spoken from someone so close..

I may be difficult to understand and seen as a difficult person but all I’ve ever thought was to try to be understood and try to understand.. and when I can’t , to still continue trying to understand.

Sometimes I wish it was easier, being easy going, living a free life, without the burdens and recollections of past conflicts between my parents, the worries of the present and the uncertainties of the future. Why wasn’t I made like that?

Focus on being a less difficult person.. how in the world do I do that? They left me with a statement I could not understand and don’t know how to correct.